Stranded arounded the island feeling ugly and refreshed.

For those that know me are aware I stopped drinking and using drugs 4 years ago. I never really used drugs on there own because I didn't like the effect. I had to have alcohol to soften me up to the drugs. For me to do a line of coke I would have to be drunk to make it so my alcohol tolerance felt like it was increasing. I liked the joy of mixing the two together to escape the hurting soul that resided in my soul. I was souless, apathetic and angry. I never wanted others to see the "true" me because I didn't want them to run away. If people knew the "true" me they would hate, they would judge, they would never wish to talk to me. The disease of alcoholism consumed me. I became poor.

When I had money I threw it away on shots, something that disappered but made me feel temporarily accepted among people who I do truly care about but can't really relate with anymore. I can't hang with them because I speak a different languge. I have cleaned up and moved on from the "cowboy" wake up. That's wear you dust of your clothes from the night before and say "giddy up" still wearing the nasty clothes from the night before. Teeth green and red and purple and blue. Breath smelling like a dead deer. The idea of looking at a mirror at the hideous beard and dark eyes, the fear of what i saw. I hated the person who stared back, echoed with a conscious drowning in whiskey cokes and bloody marys to cure hangovers. Trading pizzas for booze, surviving off of tylenol and the water seemed to stir the stomach making it feel like a monster truck rally at the Metrodome. Neil Diamond's "Soolaimoo" spinning webs in the dome from the karoke event the night before. At times to drunk to walk home, to scared to leave. Avoiding responsibility at a parlor making tomato disks and swindling deals with the drivers. Ignoring the cries around, the comments around thanksgiving about smelling like alcohol or having an aunt ask "is he still drunk...or is he hungover?" Not only is she an aunt but a god-mother. A nurse and a loving caretaker. I've written about this before. I remember the abuse both physical and emotional directed toward a mother, desperate to climb out of her out self-pity and quenching alcohol. I turned to punk music screaming "I want the airwaves and trying to find any glimpse of a role model to have. Glorifying the artists who did the most drugs and drunk the most booze and had sex with the as many girls as possible.

When i drank i became powerful, absolute and humorous to the point I became cocky and prideful and it caries over. I love to make people laugh and i was going to have people laugh by any means necessary. I was never secure with me as me. I always wanted to be something different, i felt that i deserved some recognition. Some feeling of security without putting forth any effort. I abused my mom, the woman who i am most connected with until the day i die. Sure someday i may get married but she nutured me. As an alcoholic i was able to have some make shift relationships that should have not lasted as long as they did. I stayed for comfort and for fear of change. Feeling like a revolutionary smoking drugs while listening to radical music. Taking my anger out on people, my family. Hurting my mom and beloved sister.

This is called generational sin, its something that has been around my family for years. I don't want to have my nieces (Isabella and Adelina) see me ever drunk. Someday if the Lord blesses me with a family and children by the grace of God, i would love to be a sober father and a mentor to my kids. I'm not saying my father wasn't and isn;t a mentor but my childhood had me modeling behaviors of parents who liked to party, they love to party now but alcohol is not the primary care provider :) Everyone can benefit from the serenity prayer. (God grant me the serenity to accpet the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference.) I can't say that my relationship with alcohol and drugs have been all bad though, i;m able to recognize the times of celebration and the people who i met, my circle of friends were not bad people or harmful or toxic, ive been blessed my entire life to have the greatest friends ever.

Ever since i moved to Minnesota, i've had some of the greatest friends and i countinue to have amazing friends where i'm at here in Missouri. I have the same temptations as i did in Minnesota, except for the liqour is sold in the grocery store not next to it . I walk passed the colored bottles, some old friends come to mind when i see a bottle of windsor (RIP Pinkse), other bottles bring memories (jagermeister with my spraypaint crew), and the deadliest person friend whiskey and coke always talks to me when i see his devilish grin. The booze says "this time will be different, or with us she will like you and change her heart...liquid courage massaglia." The alcohol is absolutely against me and i have no control of the outcome of my 1st drink. The problem now is the feelings that linger, I get a job (i want a drink), i get a internship at a treatment center (i want a drink), i see a pretty girl (i want a drink), she says no (i want a drink), a friend gets diagnosed with cancer (i want a drink), a family member dies (i want a drink), im at church worshipping God (i want a drink), i'm written this letter (i want a drink). Here's where i go though, i don't stay in those last "i want" attitudes because after putting the cork in the bottle and getting a cleaned up look and attitude, plus being washed in the blood of Jesus and "doing the next right thing" I can live a productive, loving life. I truly love being around people now and sharing life and living life with them. I'm motivated to be a better person and am learning more about living free and clean, moving daily, and staying in the traffic lanes without having to pick up or bend anymore elbows. Everyone has a testimony because everyone's been tested. I wrote this for my Isabella, Amber, Molly, Megan, Sharie, Sam, and Carol. love my fam, thanks for the chat!

Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest, take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30).

Keep coming back.....