Sick of Sickness

It's been a very long time between posts and I have made a lot of steps in different directions. I have burrowed myself away from God in recent days, since I finished City lights and also finished my 5 month internship. I am know at a part in my life where a friend of mine calls leaving the highway and jumping on the freeway. I ultimately have an found out I am horrible at making decisions on my own and when I do I get hurt and deny the self inflicted suffrage movement which festers in my soul.

When I choose my own will it results in my getting off the boat and sinking to the bottom of the sea or it involves isolation, cutting myself off from God and the friends who are closest to me staying on the boat but in the process of my journey i end up throwing the loved ones, the rations, the paddle, the sail, any goodness over board and i drift at sea further and further away from God. I sit between "I love social justice while attaining products made by slaves, or I need salvation while snitching, lying and thievery (STL), I abuse the Gospel and become more two faced than Tommy Lee Jones. I recognize that Paul called himself the "chief of sinners." (1 Timothy 1:15) I at times will look at this scripture and asked if I can borrow the title with all the sinning I do. Allow me to reintroduce my self my name is Daniel C. Mas"sin"aglia.

I'm on my last couple of days of my vacation back home and learning more about myself and my relationship with God has been a struggle. I have been isolating myself while being around people who love and care about me. I need to remember the importance of the 3 hour death of Jesus and see his suffering, ends mine. I sit in this tiny closest were my mom keeps her computer (which is cute as a ceramic care bear made by Michelangelo), the room is tiny but spacious not constricting or confiding and I read a poem my mom has posted on the wall. It was written by an unidentified Civil War soldier (doesn't say Confederate or Yankee) it reads:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve...
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things...
I was giving infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy...
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men...
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life...
II got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men, richly blessed.

I love the part of the poem were he states he received nothing he asked for but everything he hoped for. I am in a place in my life were I'm confused about my future and am constantly worrying about personal salvation or financial security, what people think about me, intimidated by the spiritual gifts of others, not knowing certain things about the Bible, not understanding my calling or how to listen to God. At the end of the day I need to be at peace with the Lord and leaning (truth!) on him instead of building my own blueprint and applying the footwork, manpower and hardheadedness to work through issues in my life, instead take a break and let God take back what is his.

I've been looking for different jobs in the health and helping field, i have considered many different options for graduate school which has made my head spin. I feel like a little kid with all the options I have right now. I want to be a social worker, counselor, journalist, teacher, go on global missions, become a nurse, fly planes, become a doctor, feed the poor, go for public health, become a sociologist, write a book, become a bum, work with developmental disabled, own a home, have kids, become a deacon, become the pastor, love my neighbor (within certain guidelines and comfort factors), love God (see love my neighbors previously typed), hate on conservatives, not grow up, plant a garden, get khakis and a suit, roll my eyes, and think about volunteering without action.

Most of all stay sick and in a dream like state, going through the motions and praying with "holistic" false motives. I want a Gospel to accommodate my sleep schedule and also that creates an acquired pension plan and can come with bullet points. I want Humility which " is not thinking less of yourself, but rather thinking about yourself less.” - C.S. Lewis.

I have a lot of good things happening in my life right now. I have some not completely driving a special lady crazy, I have a wealth of highly intellectual faith-based and dependent friends, a loving family who loves my unconditionally, and most importantly a loving God who sees me as his and loves me no matter what I do or what I do not do. I am loved through my skepticism, my disbelief, my own experience as a doubting Thomas.

I am loved and kept in his grasps. I have a hope and a future and regardless of what happens or doesn't happen I am loved and taking care of. I want to let go of my resentments and gain a deeper understanding of God and working with all of his people. I want to rid myself of a closed thinking error of "my religion is better than yours" attitude. God loves all of us, regardless if we are Jesuit or Muslim, Buddhist or Hindu. I have some how gained some Christian view of my religion being empirical and hovers over the ground of other religions. I become hypocritical and elitist and gain some covert spiritual entitlement when I think of being a Christian. It becomes judgmental when I think about a hierarchy of faith....huh?

I did substance abuse counselor with a real "crunchy" crowd in downtown St. Louis. Every Monday and Wednesday during the afternoons we would have large group education classes. Some where overwhelming and hard to hear as I would hear about the clients personal issues. It ran the gamut of addiction, shootings, domestic violence, loss or grief, relapse, overdose, hatred, racism, living in rough neighborhoods, talking about failed housing projects, poverty, the difficulties of finding employment while having a criminal background, and many other issues. I and 4 other counselors who are absolutely brilliant led groups of various forms. I led and also observed many groups. I remember one group were my program director led and he had an hour to educate, counsel, and inspire the clients to better their lives. He read a poem which continues to stick with my today. It's called the Dash Poem by Linda Ellis:

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on his tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of his birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered the most of all
Was the dash between those years

For the dash represents all the time
That he spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved him
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

This poem inspired me to reflect on what my life was like, what happened and what i am like now." An inspirational sermon topic is if a person wants to die as a title or a testimony. I want to be remember as a good son (not Macaulay Culkin) of God and have a loving testimony. I want to be a hopeful-skeptic and a loving son, not an orphan. I am sick of the sickness of self-hatred and the deception I put on myself and wallow in my own self-pity, instead I want to be reminded from Corinthians "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.(1 Corinthians 10:13)."

Love