I've been caught in between hating and loving God. In between loving the followers and hating them. Let me rephrase that, I don't hate. I just don't believe in any of it. I don't know what my alignment is. I was looking at the clothes I own and there's a division between religious shirts with various uplifting scriptures on it on one hand and Heavy Metal satanic anti-religious quotations on the other hand. I'm not an Atheist, i'm not a faithless Christian either. I also wouldn't label my current feeling as an Agnostic either. I don't where my faith or lack of puts me. I'm stuck in the in between. I feel like the Rock Biter stuck without limestone rocks and swallowed by the inevitable nothing which sweep the land of Fantasia. I re-read my old blogs that were very pro-Christian and spiritual and I wonder what was the change and why is it when I enter a church I can't feel a pulse or when I talk about Christianity or am offered to read scripture I get annoyed and roll my eyes. I'm in between disbelief and believing in any existence of God, Gods, etc.
I'm in between pant sizes as well. For some strange reason my waist has gotten bigger. Blame it on sedentary living, lack of exercise, and improper volatile eating habits and presto. Overweight individual whose physically best looking days have came and gone. I still hold on to my old pants too. I don't let them go, like I let myself go. But no, I hold on to them as a shameful reminder of the one who once was. I'm not ashamed of my weight or am searching for any pity from the hearts of the reader, i'm just pointing out the obvious. But on a lighter note, I have managed to avoid the empty calorie acidic destroyer of the body that being Soda-pop. I'm soda free and my body is pissed and happy at the same time.
I'm in between cigarettes, I just had one before I wrote this and I will smoke on after I finish this. I was talking with my aunt last night about smoking telling her quitting drinking was easier than smoking. I quit for about two weeks and my longest tenure without cigarettes is 6 months. I'm not even sure I would quit if I found out I had cancer of every organ of the body tomorrow.
I'm in between alcoholic beverages, granted the last time I drank was 5 years ago. I am having a increase in using dreams, alcohol day dreams, pondering the "just one won't hurt" theory, and running out of self-talk and will power. I accept my alcoholism is a major contributor to my depression, low self-esteem and financial insecurities however some of the small town behaviors and sick minded people in the walls of meetings have made it hard for me to open my mind and heart to trusting other alcoholics. Sure there sick too and have there own issues to deal with but I haven't recovered from it. Also a lot of Higher Power talk. Not even the attraction of crappy coffee, cross-talking winos, the overabundance of judging, and the shine of medallions could get me running back to those doors. So, now I'm left in a dangerous, vulnerable predicament which is tough out recovery or drink. If I was a social drinker I would drink all the time, unfortunately I was a situational drinker and I had a lot of situations to drink. It was for the effect not for taste. Luckily I've chosen the first option.
I'm in between relationships...ladies call me.
I'm in between career decisions right now. I want to do it all and nothing at all. It's a strange place to be. I have thought of a multitude of career paths and have closed the door on substance abuse counseling joining the ranks of people who have degrees and have done nothing with them. Only to find myself unemployed, apathetic, and a mountain of debt. Makes me wish I had a vault like Scrooge Mcduck which I could surf in. By the way, I 'm sure he could of hired the Beagle Boys to work for him. They could have gotten a good probation officer and worked for the betterment of the company. Instead of trying to bring Scrooge McTrump's empire down. But anyways, the careers I have consider goes as follows, Viking (not a player, but growing out a beard, not showering, getting an acting degree, and getting type-cast in movies like Gladiator, Braveheart, LOTR), Occupational Therapist (no GRE required), Social Worker (basically being a professional hater of self), chef (the commercials for Le Cordon Bleu make me think i could make some better eggs), Public Health (until I realized I may be a health antagonist with the way I obliterate my body), professional soccer goalie (not the greatest vertical in the milky way), a comedian (can't tell a story and am really not that funny...just sad). So here I wonder whats next. This may be my mid-life crisis.
With all these things I have a great supportive loving family and a laundry list of friends on different sides of the religious coin, different political views and a high tolerance for whatever comes out of my mouth.
Love guys!!
Daniel
