Final Large Group

Today was a day of reflection, a year ago I became a christian and started attending a group called Intervarsity. The group met on Thursday and shared experiences with the gospel and also sang their hearts out for the Lord. I found peace within the group. I was even asked to live with the staff workers and experience living in community with them. I have seen so much growth in myself and am now witnessing an amazing gift of seeing new creations blossom before my eyes. It's been an incredible year with a lot of laughs and tears. I almost feel like this is a year book entry. I have a real tough time with transitions and am scared to death of if I will choose my like over Jesus.

I love writing about God and my struggling, rocky, relationship with him but question my motives at times. What are my motives sometimes. When I see people, do I see Jesus or someone that could potentially bother me? Honestly I'm not to confident in my reactions. I want to be more welcoming and with the love I have seen through the people who attend large group I have seen passion to move me into tears and at the same time find the child inside who hid in fear. I learned who I was through the continuing beauty of the relationships acquired. I arrived at large group tonight praying for it not to end, begging God to keep this day going, keeping these amazing people close. I become exposed in this group, it has become a safe haven, a beacon of hope when I am in traitorous waters. I began to understand the love story that God has for his people. Because of God, my sister was able to calm her own hatred for God. Because of God's love I was able to connect to people who I was once afraid to have responding with. Because of him, I love others without expecting anything in return (that in itself is a battle, which I can't win. Unless i trust in him).

I am very unclear about my future and am struggling with my decision making for my future. I have never graduated from college before and am really unsure about what the future has next for me. I would like to do my internship in a different state, however my niece, my mother and my sister needs me to be apart of their lives. I want to protect them and take care of them, see them grow and share love. I also want to discover my own freedoms and fall on the ground and rely fully on God to provide the words, take control of my actions and direct my life.

During this last large group, I began to reflect on the love that was shared and the sacrifice people made. For any reader who needs prayer or needs to talk please approach me. I love coffee and also want to learn more from other people. I may talk a lot but I need practice listening. It is something I struggle dearly with and want to change. I'm exhausted trying to figure things out on my own. I have been in complete control looking for this internship and have grown angry and frustrated that it hasn't materialized yet. It was encouraging to see all the new faces and the great gifts and salt that God has brought to the world.

Thanks Minnesota State University Mankato's Intervarsity, Thanks Break Away 09, thanks Citylights, thanks to my high school christian friends who showed love when I rejected it, thanks to God is loving and uses others to guide, grow and encourage. I love you all but he loves you SO much more. Be blessed! Keys to the kingdom!!

Love your Brother in Christ
Daniel

"I'll Pray for You"

It was a great class but halfway through I got lost, as always. I always get lost at some point in class. It doesn't matter which class I get lost in. It happens. Today I was thinking about relationships. I'm learning more about the criterion of alcohol and drug dependence described in the DSM IV-TR. The book describes two important criteria for diagnosing someone also dependent. The first is tolerance (needing more to get a desired effect) and withdrawal (yearning or feeling pain without the drug). These two are the ones that are looked at as important to becoming a counselor for diagnosing someone as an alcoholic. It really helps the insurance companies by putting a name to it. A label, a stamp, or a distinction.

I was thinking about the works themselves, tolerance is another way of saying enduring or having endurance. Withdrawal reminds me of walking through a desert longing or thirsting for water. Withdrawal is desperation. Withdrawal is being stuck in the ocean surrounded by sharks. Withdrawal is the tugging at the heart at the ambitious treats of pure evil. The need to "feel" on a different wave length as others. I am an alcoholic, diagnosed in July 2006. I am a drug addict diagnosed at the same time. I recognize the disease model and understand the beginning of the stepping lifestyle to happiness. If you do not know about this lifestyle as for it to be explained by Bill W's friends. Stay persistent, many exist! I am labeled and recorded as an alcohol dependent and embrace that as who I am.
I also consider myself a recovering christian, more than a new creation. I became a follower/believer in Christ at a conference in Brainerd alongside younger christian people. With the symptoms diagnosed by counselors on the subtance abusers should we have both symptoms as Christians? Dependence with pray and avoidant of withdrawal. What about building a tolerance or endurance towards prayer? I struggle with prayer especially when I say "I'll pray for yeah." Truthfully...nope. That hurts. It actually sounds more like a mafia solider saying "forget about it." while eating a cannoli. I'll pray for you is tough to deal with. It's a simple request and amazingly important as a spiritual connection which I once took as important part of my faith, but lately neglected.

Praying, lately is the last thing I want to do because I'm comfortable, selfish, and afraid of the motives. I refuse to pray because of the conscious thoughts that I am not praying right. I was in a bible study today and a dear friend commented on how prayer is important but the second something bad happens in his life, he thinks about being angry at God. I refuse to go to God with things and it hurts in the long run and....yep the short run as well. Unfortunately "i'll pray about it"is a christianese (term stolen from the book peppermint filled pinatas) way of saying "no" to a situation. I'm not saying that i won't pray but when I say "i'll pray about it" its unfortunetly a guarantee propositions of prayer actually materalizing.

Another close friend of mine and I had a conversation about the this topic and he has committed to "praying about it" on the spot instead of doing what I did. "Sure i'll pray for you but not now i'm to busy living my life." AWWWWWWW!!! I am so arrogant, but not alone in the fact that I don't actually take time away from me "busy" day to say a few words of prayer.

I'm so filled with self-will run riot. At times I refuse to actually let God take control of my life (lately most times). I do not let God guide me. In situations where I am forced to let God take control of the outcome it's scarey, uncomfortable, and sometimes difficult. "I'll pray for you" if it benefits me. "I'll pray for you" only if I remember and it's important and attractive to me. "I'll pray for you but first I have some sinning to do." "I'll pray for you" if you pray for me. I'll actually completely forget to pray for you and get upset because things are not going my way. The agency said no, she doesn't like me, my grades are not good enough, no one loves me, my way is not working, my love is shattered, my heart is.......

I know withdrawal, i know dependence from a negative perspective. I'm running into a transparent wall over and over again. I pray for you now, I wanna scream so loud for you, I hurt for you now. I want less of me and more Christ. Withdrawal is really a daunting feeling, a longing for Christ to guide our hearts. Whats the point sometimes? In America we have most of our needs met and our safe. We have diagnosis, treat, and cure. Faith becomes meaningless when we try to scienctifically find all the answers, lets depend on God. Do we need God? I think I do, and that my first problem is I think God and don't let the Holy Spirit take over and feel the purity and love flow through me. I learned a lot more about caring for other people through becoming a follower. I want to build a relationship with God and his people (ALL his people).

My ego and feeling on insecurity gets in the way. I spend a lot of time reading and listening to sermons, trying to engage with his people, and briefly pray silently but sometimes feel as real as the Easter bunny hiding eggs. I have withdrawals from God, but God is not a drug, I not need him as a "fix." God provides an amazing feeling to my life and I am trying to stay dependent on him and avoid withdrawals.

Love.

Break from the action

I haven't blogged much, I have been taking a much needed break from writing my thoughts on this lovely gift the internet provides called a blog. I usually write about my thoughts on Christ and the nature of Christian life mostly from a quasi-left wing approach. I overlook the righteouness and preach about the social justice topics and spend little time on the action myself. I spend a lot of time voicing change and loving your neighbor and struggle with practicing it myself. I get angry easily but I rarely react with anger, I get frustrated with myself at times, and distract myself from what I want to accomplish. I'm tired...the neighbors dog barks at odd hours of the night, I daydream about distant lands and solid loving relationships with others. Those who are close to me know I basically live for laughter, it makes my day when I see a smile and know I may have been apart of it. The best is when a person has a genunie "hard" laugh. one that possibly bring joy to the other persons day.

My anger usually is a self-critical type-cast orientation of pain. I then attempt to mold that pain into something humourous. I try to take a jovial approach to life, I laugh at myself all time (sometimes I'm the only one laughing). I do enjoy a good laugh. I don't know where the phrase comes from but "laughter, is pains medicine." I recently (today) gave a presentation on ways to raise a persons self-esteem. I wanted to sound like a person working for a pyramid sceme. The power of persuasion! I want people to truly be happy, I want to see people smile. The beautiful thing about facial expressions is the universality of them. Smiling is truly contagious. I'm learning more and more that life is simple, living it hard at times.

I'm a arrogant and egotistical person just like everybody else but the beauty of awareness and application can be transformational. Many of the people I hang out with are Christians who try to love God and love people and are believers in Jesus, the following part is the hardest part. We agree on that note. Theres a great part in the Bible, where Paul is addressing the Romans about spiritual gifts, find those gifts and use them (i'm a skeptic when it comes to speaking in tongues though).

I wanted this one to be shorter then my usual posts. love ya!
Try going beyond the CNNs or the FOX News. Check out a newspaper from a different country and find out what is really going on. I was thinking about when I was in St. Louis last summer. We were blessed with the chance to meet and eat with Iraqi refugees. In the United States, there is a pretty lopsidded ideal that people in the Middle East hate us, so we in turn hate them. We discussed with this family how it was wrong and we only see what the media potrays to us. They were not anti-american at all and wanted to voice there story.

Make friends with an international student. I have had the priviledge of meeting a group of friends from the Southern portion of Sudan and have talked with them about the Darfur genocide by the militant Janjaweed, but there is a disconnect between the south and the north. They avoid the North, but obviously care. I am grateful for their testimonies and expressions but i wanted to meet with someone from the North. I met with a friend who introduced me to a guy who needed needed help editting and piecing together an independent study assignment. He happened to be from the north and is writing a piece on Darfur. I am blessed to have met him because he can now share with me his testimony and thoughts on what is going on there.

Who needs a hug? I'm getting good at it.