"I'll Pray for You"

It was a great class but halfway through I got lost, as always. I always get lost at some point in class. It doesn't matter which class I get lost in. It happens. Today I was thinking about relationships. I'm learning more about the criterion of alcohol and drug dependence described in the DSM IV-TR. The book describes two important criteria for diagnosing someone also dependent. The first is tolerance (needing more to get a desired effect) and withdrawal (yearning or feeling pain without the drug). These two are the ones that are looked at as important to becoming a counselor for diagnosing someone as an alcoholic. It really helps the insurance companies by putting a name to it. A label, a stamp, or a distinction.

I was thinking about the works themselves, tolerance is another way of saying enduring or having endurance. Withdrawal reminds me of walking through a desert longing or thirsting for water. Withdrawal is desperation. Withdrawal is being stuck in the ocean surrounded by sharks. Withdrawal is the tugging at the heart at the ambitious treats of pure evil. The need to "feel" on a different wave length as others. I am an alcoholic, diagnosed in July 2006. I am a drug addict diagnosed at the same time. I recognize the disease model and understand the beginning of the stepping lifestyle to happiness. If you do not know about this lifestyle as for it to be explained by Bill W's friends. Stay persistent, many exist! I am labeled and recorded as an alcohol dependent and embrace that as who I am.
I also consider myself a recovering christian, more than a new creation. I became a follower/believer in Christ at a conference in Brainerd alongside younger christian people. With the symptoms diagnosed by counselors on the subtance abusers should we have both symptoms as Christians? Dependence with pray and avoidant of withdrawal. What about building a tolerance or endurance towards prayer? I struggle with prayer especially when I say "I'll pray for yeah." Truthfully...nope. That hurts. It actually sounds more like a mafia solider saying "forget about it." while eating a cannoli. I'll pray for you is tough to deal with. It's a simple request and amazingly important as a spiritual connection which I once took as important part of my faith, but lately neglected.

Praying, lately is the last thing I want to do because I'm comfortable, selfish, and afraid of the motives. I refuse to pray because of the conscious thoughts that I am not praying right. I was in a bible study today and a dear friend commented on how prayer is important but the second something bad happens in his life, he thinks about being angry at God. I refuse to go to God with things and it hurts in the long run and....yep the short run as well. Unfortunately "i'll pray about it"is a christianese (term stolen from the book peppermint filled pinatas) way of saying "no" to a situation. I'm not saying that i won't pray but when I say "i'll pray about it" its unfortunetly a guarantee propositions of prayer actually materalizing.

Another close friend of mine and I had a conversation about the this topic and he has committed to "praying about it" on the spot instead of doing what I did. "Sure i'll pray for you but not now i'm to busy living my life." AWWWWWWW!!! I am so arrogant, but not alone in the fact that I don't actually take time away from me "busy" day to say a few words of prayer.

I'm so filled with self-will run riot. At times I refuse to actually let God take control of my life (lately most times). I do not let God guide me. In situations where I am forced to let God take control of the outcome it's scarey, uncomfortable, and sometimes difficult. "I'll pray for you" if it benefits me. "I'll pray for you" only if I remember and it's important and attractive to me. "I'll pray for you but first I have some sinning to do." "I'll pray for you" if you pray for me. I'll actually completely forget to pray for you and get upset because things are not going my way. The agency said no, she doesn't like me, my grades are not good enough, no one loves me, my way is not working, my love is shattered, my heart is.......

I know withdrawal, i know dependence from a negative perspective. I'm running into a transparent wall over and over again. I pray for you now, I wanna scream so loud for you, I hurt for you now. I want less of me and more Christ. Withdrawal is really a daunting feeling, a longing for Christ to guide our hearts. Whats the point sometimes? In America we have most of our needs met and our safe. We have diagnosis, treat, and cure. Faith becomes meaningless when we try to scienctifically find all the answers, lets depend on God. Do we need God? I think I do, and that my first problem is I think God and don't let the Holy Spirit take over and feel the purity and love flow through me. I learned a lot more about caring for other people through becoming a follower. I want to build a relationship with God and his people (ALL his people).

My ego and feeling on insecurity gets in the way. I spend a lot of time reading and listening to sermons, trying to engage with his people, and briefly pray silently but sometimes feel as real as the Easter bunny hiding eggs. I have withdrawals from God, but God is not a drug, I not need him as a "fix." God provides an amazing feeling to my life and I am trying to stay dependent on him and avoid withdrawals.

Love.