The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10.
The knowledge of the holy one. Right now my constant rate or fraction with the Lord is always a lack of trust or even balance. I have been saying the same prayer since I became clean and sober from drugs. I learned to lean on a simple prayer,"God, Grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things i can, and the Wisdom to know the difference." The balance part is there, I am able to prioritize and handle situations completely different then resorting to a whiskey coke as liquid courage to approach conversations without fail. I'm not trying to manipulate the world to do my bidding anymore (well at least less than I was at, i'm working on progress). But seeking God at times of trouble and being surprised when God answers prayers as if it was a christmas miracle and not trully believing that God has unlimited power and resources at his disposal. Lord help me with my unbelief. "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).
The Serenity prayer holds a lot of power especially in the realm of recovery. It runs deep into the souls of many people trying to turn away from a life of guilt, shame, pain and loss. Help me with my unbelief, we ask God to provide something for us and when we get it we turn our back from the provider. It's like a heroin addict going to get methadone without acknowledging the harm reduction tactic as a helpful tool to mend the dope sickness. It's like being ungrateful with the amount of food on our trays, or complaining about a lack of sleep when we ignore the grim reality that someone didn't sleep at all last night.
Help me with my unbelief...especially when i'm in desperate measures and completely and utterly alone. I sometimes believe only "Help me when it's convienent to me and my needs." We are at a point where we say to God "Help me get to the top of Maslows Pyramid but than God, please step out of my way." We ignore our provider, as teenagers, as children do. We all need to work on the view of unbelief. God provides our necesities every single second. The very breath you are breathing right now has been provided and planned out. Our blueprint and very deep moral fiber, beliefs, attitudes all planned out. God has us...God always had us.
We get surprised also when we know we can't do something on our own and only God can provide us with answers or strength to continue to do some of the things we do. He gives us life. That should be enough, God has already giving us a kingdom all the riches here on earth are nothing compared to what we get when the episode on this planet ends for us. God has us! ever since the Old Testament he says "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14). The Lord rescues me from every attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory for ever and ever (2 Timothy 4:18). God has us! It's not about your way, it's about Yahweh!
The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. (Romans 16:20).
Love God and People!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
My Guys
It feels like an eternity since the last time, I took the time to sit and write down the thoughts that ruminate in my think tank. I began doing my grueling, intensive and emotionally draining internship for school down in St. Louis. I have learned how to cling to God in a whole new way. My thinking affects my behavior, my attitude affect the outcome. I teach the process of recovery to a crowd on scapegoats, false hero's, perfectionist, loner, the lost, the sick, the outcasts, the forgotten. I teach recovery to a crowd who are used to criminal thinking behaviors and huge population of brokenness. The work is so hard, its so painful, its so exhausting, it takes every ounce of strength and willpower for my to keep loving the guys i serve, the guys I go to battle for.
My guys remind me that It is not about "me" and "my" internship. It's about them and their recovery. In this I'm not writing any details about specific clients just the general nature of what I have observed in my first month at the treatment site. It's a theme that breaks my heart and only the power of God can restore the brokenness in these guys lives. This world is broken all over but where my guys live it truly is a war zone, its a battle for survival. I'm learning a lot from the inner city and the struggles that my guys have to deal with. But I believe in transformation, I believe in Change instead of Compliance. This entry is not about a certain individual, but composite experience of the general population I work with. I believe in acceptance and I've seen some amazing things among emotional devastation and shattered dreams. The risk is worth it, and teaching this to my guys is tough, because hurt people, hurt people. If my guys want it bad enough they will be able to accomplish anything. When they fall on their faces they are at God's feet. Jesus said to them "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26 NLT.
MY GUYS
My guys have a mean mentality, a persona, a street knowledge that has become a existence embedded in them since birth.
My guys live surrounded by gun shots and garnished wages, back taxes, and child support.
My guys "nod" off because they have consumed China White.
The Water my guys have used does not quench their thirst but causes hallucinations and rage.
My guys worry about colors in their neighborhoods.
My guys hang teddy bears in remembrance of loved ones, friends, hit by bullets from a vehicle slowly driving by without head lights.
My guys now that booming noises in the distance is not fourth of July fireworks.
My guys have been shot at, shot at someone else.
My guys have been hospitalized for gun shot wounds.
My guys have seen their seeds get sniped, pruned and burned.
My guys live with broken windows.
My guys have food stamps.
My guys guys have a criminal mindset and shattered dreams.
My guys sip syrup to escape themselves, not eat it with pancakes.
My guys get arrested for skin tone.
My guys aren't safe behind locked doors in their own homes.
My guys have trouble staring them directly in the face when they leave the porch.
My guys don't see hope.
My guys lose concepts of empathy and replace it with being empty.
My guys are crying on the inside, begging for love, but refuse to show it.
My guys live life with a label. Criminal. Scapegoat. Dope Fiends. Junkies.
My guys smoke Kusch.
My guys sell rocks.
My guys cook fertilizer, ether and battery acid, they glass it and pick it to both stay up and see things.
My guys have withdrawals.
My guys have broken promises and have snowballed their lives to the point where when they look at themselves they see a liar.
My guys have put a pistol to themselves.
My guys know that ice cream trucks at midnight means an eight ball not delicious treats.
My guys buildings are broken and urban blight is the norm.
My guys have no known homeostasis.
My guys fight for street corners.
My guys get initiated to spend their lives in the criminal justice system.
My guys freeze to death.
My guys have Civil Wars of their own north and south.
My guys beg for money at the corners.
My guys sleep on park bench's, wear the same clothes for months.
My guys fight DT's.
My guys starve themselves to consume what the crave, what controls them.
My guys are caught in a rat race, brutally and fundamentally hopeless.
My guys graduate on Friday and get locked up Saturday.
Mu guys have no schooling.
My guys have no jobs.
My guys sell "spit back."
My guys "church" is a 12 pack and some rubbers.
My guys have slept on park bench's, pimped their daughters for psychological lynches and been sent up river for a long sentence.
My guys have false.......pride.
My guys have.....false power.
What my guys need is simple. My guys need GRACE. my guys need love. my guys need to know they are needed. My guys have a hope and a future. The road traveled can be both tricky and trivial. This is a very tough population to work with. Especially when they compare themselves with the teacher. I may not have grown up on the streets or done the "dangerous" drugs but I understand pain and want to help people through it. The people we need to reach out are my guys. God loves them so much and somewhere along the way they were lost. They had their toys taken away, their dreams stepped on, smashed and a dark illusion of lies, drugs and criminal thinking became a prolonged overcast. The sun they see, the hope is looked as being a "square." But as a square you can see the direction you came from and the direction your are going at any point of the object. God lifts us through some of the most challenging moments. He cheers for us in are triumphs and reaches his hand out to us when we are in are trials. He does not give us a hand out but a hand up. We need to stop looking at people as what they did, but see the good in them. The child in them. We all have are inner most child they through experiences and hurts gets lost. Responsibility and adulthood takes its place at the top of the totem pole and we lose the child in us. The sense of wonder is lost and a feeling of doom comes.
I wasn't writing this to glorify the population I work with but to try to see the world through their eyes. I believe the God I say I believe in. I see the change in them. In my month I haven't heard a lot of positive things but they positive things I have heard have been incredible, deep and profound. If you have decided to read this far, please pray for the addicts and alcoholics who are out their fight against the drug, being lied to by the devil and ultimately destroying themselves. Please pray for restoration, a revival in their lives, a change so they can help others change. I'm incredibly selfish (I'll admit it), my Ego centrism is at times bigger than the African Continent. But we have to, have to pray outside of ourselves. Two basic, yet prolific things I have heard in my life is "There is a God, and we are not it." and "It's not about us." Pray for the broken, sick, poor, marginalized, the lost. God has them and we need to have them also.
Grace and peace.
My guys remind me that It is not about "me" and "my" internship. It's about them and their recovery. In this I'm not writing any details about specific clients just the general nature of what I have observed in my first month at the treatment site. It's a theme that breaks my heart and only the power of God can restore the brokenness in these guys lives. This world is broken all over but where my guys live it truly is a war zone, its a battle for survival. I'm learning a lot from the inner city and the struggles that my guys have to deal with. But I believe in transformation, I believe in Change instead of Compliance. This entry is not about a certain individual, but composite experience of the general population I work with. I believe in acceptance and I've seen some amazing things among emotional devastation and shattered dreams. The risk is worth it, and teaching this to my guys is tough, because hurt people, hurt people. If my guys want it bad enough they will be able to accomplish anything. When they fall on their faces they are at God's feet. Jesus said to them "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26 NLT.
MY GUYS
My guys have a mean mentality, a persona, a street knowledge that has become a existence embedded in them since birth.
My guys live surrounded by gun shots and garnished wages, back taxes, and child support.
My guys "nod" off because they have consumed China White.
The Water my guys have used does not quench their thirst but causes hallucinations and rage.
My guys worry about colors in their neighborhoods.
My guys hang teddy bears in remembrance of loved ones, friends, hit by bullets from a vehicle slowly driving by without head lights.
My guys now that booming noises in the distance is not fourth of July fireworks.
My guys have been shot at, shot at someone else.
My guys have been hospitalized for gun shot wounds.
My guys have seen their seeds get sniped, pruned and burned.
My guys live with broken windows.
My guys have food stamps.
My guys guys have a criminal mindset and shattered dreams.
My guys sip syrup to escape themselves, not eat it with pancakes.
My guys get arrested for skin tone.
My guys aren't safe behind locked doors in their own homes.
My guys have trouble staring them directly in the face when they leave the porch.
My guys don't see hope.
My guys lose concepts of empathy and replace it with being empty.
My guys are crying on the inside, begging for love, but refuse to show it.
My guys live life with a label. Criminal. Scapegoat. Dope Fiends. Junkies.
My guys smoke Kusch.
My guys sell rocks.
My guys cook fertilizer, ether and battery acid, they glass it and pick it to both stay up and see things.
My guys have withdrawals.
My guys have broken promises and have snowballed their lives to the point where when they look at themselves they see a liar.
My guys have put a pistol to themselves.
My guys know that ice cream trucks at midnight means an eight ball not delicious treats.
My guys buildings are broken and urban blight is the norm.
My guys have no known homeostasis.
My guys fight for street corners.
My guys get initiated to spend their lives in the criminal justice system.
My guys freeze to death.
My guys have Civil Wars of their own north and south.
My guys beg for money at the corners.
My guys sleep on park bench's, wear the same clothes for months.
My guys fight DT's.
My guys starve themselves to consume what the crave, what controls them.
My guys are caught in a rat race, brutally and fundamentally hopeless.
My guys graduate on Friday and get locked up Saturday.
Mu guys have no schooling.
My guys have no jobs.
My guys sell "spit back."
My guys "church" is a 12 pack and some rubbers.
My guys have slept on park bench's, pimped their daughters for psychological lynches and been sent up river for a long sentence.
My guys have false.......pride.
My guys have.....false power.
What my guys need is simple. My guys need GRACE. my guys need love. my guys need to know they are needed. My guys have a hope and a future. The road traveled can be both tricky and trivial. This is a very tough population to work with. Especially when they compare themselves with the teacher. I may not have grown up on the streets or done the "dangerous" drugs but I understand pain and want to help people through it. The people we need to reach out are my guys. God loves them so much and somewhere along the way they were lost. They had their toys taken away, their dreams stepped on, smashed and a dark illusion of lies, drugs and criminal thinking became a prolonged overcast. The sun they see, the hope is looked as being a "square." But as a square you can see the direction you came from and the direction your are going at any point of the object. God lifts us through some of the most challenging moments. He cheers for us in are triumphs and reaches his hand out to us when we are in are trials. He does not give us a hand out but a hand up. We need to stop looking at people as what they did, but see the good in them. The child in them. We all have are inner most child they through experiences and hurts gets lost. Responsibility and adulthood takes its place at the top of the totem pole and we lose the child in us. The sense of wonder is lost and a feeling of doom comes.
I wasn't writing this to glorify the population I work with but to try to see the world through their eyes. I believe the God I say I believe in. I see the change in them. In my month I haven't heard a lot of positive things but they positive things I have heard have been incredible, deep and profound. If you have decided to read this far, please pray for the addicts and alcoholics who are out their fight against the drug, being lied to by the devil and ultimately destroying themselves. Please pray for restoration, a revival in their lives, a change so they can help others change. I'm incredibly selfish (I'll admit it), my Ego centrism is at times bigger than the African Continent. But we have to, have to pray outside of ourselves. Two basic, yet prolific things I have heard in my life is "There is a God, and we are not it." and "It's not about us." Pray for the broken, sick, poor, marginalized, the lost. God has them and we need to have them also.
Grace and peace.
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