Beneath the Surface

I have taking the week off from school. I'm exhausted and I haven't moved much. I had a trip planned for St. Louis for spring break. I spent the last spring break and the summer in the beautiful city that is the gateway to the west. I went to see my beloved Twins play on the hottest day in St. Louis during the summer. St. Louis Cardinals slugger and NL MVP hit two home runs that game. Twins bats melted in the heat and they lost 3-1. I wore a grey T-shirt that really showed off the sweat I had accumulated over a 9 inning game. I was exhausted and lacking water. I have many great memories of going to St. Louis. It is a very exciting city. I can't explain what I have been doing the last couple of days. I worked for awhile, listened to Ozzy, and avoided the fear of rejection. Sometimes I feel like asking a girl out on a date is like planning for battle arrangements or like the classic jump rope game double dutch. I shouldn't over analyze things also. I would well off thinking less and doing more. Especially when I turn something so simple, fun, and good into dark, haunted and lifeless. It breeds depression and lack of exercise. I forces new unsatisfying addictions to surface and say "Dan you suck at life, but you know what, I can make everything go away."

The concept of the Addictive System is a good way of explain addiction to me. It's apart of the addictive personality. I don't think people are addicted to my personality (which is good, I know some people who would make scary candidates for stalkers). I have the personality that is riddled with fear and escape from this cold and wretched world. I get left behind, feel worthless and tithe to addictions and not God. I never understood the tithing of Christianity, i mean God doesn't care about money but he wants it. I used to have a great escape from rejection. It was called "Bartender, Whiskey coke, hold the coke." This wasn't like an escape from Alcatraz (which was possible but not easy). This was like escaping from school (just don't go)Drinking is an easy escape from feelings and emotions.

I'm in recovery from drugs, I'm learning a new love language. I have the opportunity to discover the world in a different and unique way. Recovery is a challenge, having feelings without chemical or process addictions are a challenge. I'm so flawed and feeled with failures. Here's the deal though, I don't focus on that all the time. I need to acknowledge and let go, then create healthy relationships. I try not to focus ideally on the fabrication of failure, especially rejection. I know that If you focus on rejection, your going to get rejected. Just breath and trust in something other than yourself.

I'm not alone in recovery obviously, others know different ways to change behaviors and thought processes. It's interesting to look at the health industry both mainstream and holistically. There's a way to train ourselves to change habits, It's not easy but it's possible. This life is dangerously short. I'm not the tallest person either. I know I have good and bad qualities and have accomplished some real challenging, painful things (i passed astronomy, graduated high school, ran a mile, went to treatment, passed psychopharmacology, changed my major 4 times, had a job for over 2 years, quit smoking...started smoking and quit again, and changed a my sweet nieces diapers a few times). I focus more on the defects of my character (i lied about going on a trip to St. Louis, hate my appearance, inferior and intimidated by some extroverts, tell myself i suck at life, use food sometimes for comfort to heal my pain, blame others for my problems, isolate from people who are close to me, hate people at times cause their different then me (even when I know it's wrong and I'm against the ideas, blaming my childhood for my traumas, resentments without forgiving others, and it keeps going...).

It's the classic Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde story. You could look at it like a werewolf in a full moon setting as well. At night it triggers the dysfunction, we lose interest in others and avoiding facing ourselves. I have been able to be helped and help others. I believe in miracles, i truly feel i have been given a gift. I do not have to fear others and settings. I need to know more about the serenity prayer where it goes "accept the things i can not change and the courage to change the things I can." Life is both beautiful and ugly at the same time. It depends how much love there is. Lately, I have spent so much time isolating, not taking care of myself and playing the "what went wrong tape..." I need to realign and readjust my life and revise the back issues and start fresh....love Dan/

I love this life, I am learning to live a more wholesome life. I know their is a lot of pain in the world and I try to look at pain as the Buddhist look at pain. If I take my pain and put into the pot with the world's pain, it doesn't get rid of the pain, it just puts it to it's actual size. I can go on and on about the pains in the world (earthquakes, homicides, adultery, massive debt, depressions, unemployment, hunger pangs, school shootings, lethal injections, chemical warfare, fist fights, people twisting religion for personal power, and blah blah blah...). I can however flip the feelings switch and look at the pleasures of the world (laughing till you almost pee your pants, a smile from a friend, holding onto my niece and hearing her sing, eating fruit, talking through issues, giving someone a hug, flowers blooming, breathing in the air, the sun shining down on our faces.)There is a lot beneath the surface, we only show a small percentage of ourselves, we have some many different selves and have so much diversity and social pressures in the world. If your a slave to something and feel the strain of life, don't drift into negative emotions, work on issues with someone and try to force a smile. You may be able to trick your brain into being happy and in love. Scratch underneath the surface.