A split decision

Over the past few months since I began working my new job. I have left no room for God at all, I refused to pray, became bitter with the word, felt like spitting on his people and loathed the idea of a king of kings bringing salvation and redemption into the hearts of this vast and encumbered humanity. I was sold on the idea that God brought me out of a place which was the dark, punitive, and encrypted with self hatred. The code was easy to break. I just needed a mirror to see the person i hated most in this world, a reflection with the shattered glass shards. I envisioned my death, my abyss. I grew comfortable in my own tiny existence in a frozen part of this world. I was living in deceit, clearly lying to myself everyday.

I struggle with the battle between good and evil, God versus Devil, Superman versus Lex Luther, Boston versus New York, Me versus me. I struggle with attacks from the devil. I get depressed and i do not choose to expose my pain or find healthy coping mechanisms. The mind has been like a filing cabinet, storing data and filing it away for later use. At times my mental office is not sending mental e-files but grabbing a shovel and burying the dead. Burying the memories of positivity. Replacing data with decay and storage with rows of death.

I love Jesus, i drift though. I ignore the red flags and revert back to my own personal loathing hole deep within the frozen tundra. The further i get in the deep dark ocean filled with sharks and hungry evil creatures, the harder it is form me to return to the shore. Jesus calmed the storm in peoples hearts, embraced the ugliness in the human heart and was cast into hell only to return to heaven. Song upon song, hymn upon hymn written about a baby who would save the world. I gave my life to follow, and i thought it was going to be easy. I thought the problems leave and i was going to feel pure bliss all the time. Angels would be cast down and i would be carried through pain and suffering. Over the past few weeks i have been obsessed with evils of this world. I became a blasphemer, an assistant to the chief of sinners, I have become bitter and angry, Church bores me, the drive to read the world has been sucked up like a airport window (Saint Louis reference, maybe too soon). I have a relationship and friends who care and all i can think of is cursing them out for making eye contact with me. I know bad days but bad weeks. This world is my cave, my isolation has made me even more angry with the world. I'm controlling also, i live driving the car and having control of my life. The only verse i have paid attention to in the pst few months has been Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I'm waiting for the mourning to stop and the morning to start. I was told when i came to believe in God early in my "walk." With all that has gone on in my head i have the urge to run away from God and run toward the hate, the anger the...lie. The cravings come in my brain my the millisecond. I want to run away from the Gospel, from the pages that brought me life. O how i hate the pain that i feel right now take it away Lord. Take the affliction of addiction, take the rope from around my neck ,the razor blades from my skin and the blackest enemy which lies in my heart. I'm sick of conning myself and denying the fact that i do love you, I want to follow you and see your kingdom come. My girlfriends house was robbed and i had no emotion, i've lied to friends and denied to acknowledge the hate inside me. It all comes down to their is a God and i am far from it. I want the peace to return, no more sorrow. I want to see the world through Gods eyes. If he truly is the God of love i want to be apart of that reality instead the one i materialized and mold (which crumbles and burns). I recently had a group of friends come down to visit during the holiday of Easter. I had an opportunity to hang out with them but choose to spend time alone with nobody. Just me and my tears as i pretended to enjoy the television show i was watching.

I want more...you and less me.