The Beast of Burden

The hardest point of being stuck in this crossroads is actually enjoying the ugliest portions of my life. I'm sitting in my living room enjoying some kind of African pop music bounce through the neighbors wall. I sit next to one of my best friends after a smooth drive around the South side of St. Louis. He was going to show me a Arabian Market where he was planning to buy things. It was closed so we never got to actually step foot in there. We discussed quite a few things on our drive most of the stuff I have been avoiding. My faith has been neglected and shattered. I have recently grown angry with God and have chosen the dark sins to fill my void. I embraced the dark portions and kept to myself through a painful time in my life.

With the excitement or the reluctant allowance of comfort i plan to return to Minnesota. I have no feelings towards God right now. I don't want to build a solid foundation with the God I once gave my will and life over too. I took it back and started living on my own accord. I stop going to church, the word God made me cringe. I began listening to music which could be deemed evil. I began looking up videos on evening on the "Church of Satan." I pictured myself as a loner or a basket case. An aloof to the world I loved. I was convincing myself that I did not need God and returned to the animosity of my teenage angst. Trying to carry all the weight of my pain in suffering on my back. Relishing in the prideful thoughts of "maybe i'm better off without a Godhead to follow." My thoughts went from "Lord you are my everything to swiftly "Lord you are nothing. I'm currently a hopeful skeptic, drifting away from the faith and holding onto portions of my faith. The running, the dodging, the tears, the anger, the self loathing and isolation really only leads me down a darker and deeper rabbit hole. Days go by and I do not want to return to the light, I crave the dark nowadays. The Bible becomes heavy, the words not applicable or interesting. The papers cut so thin became thick and painful to pass through. At one point in my life I was writing "Fucking Lies" throughout pages of Pauls letters, to my life source, my source of food. It slowly evaporated and became a gaseous substance so tough to seek after. I have a friend who sends me biblical texts every morning, at one point encouraging, altruistic, and potent for a bright day. Now the very same text messages burn in my heart and make me angry to read.

The shadowy figures which dance in a hypnotic trance have left me naked and scared to open my eyes. At times feeling like I followed not to build a relationship with God but to date his daughters. I'm not a very mature christian. I still label myself a christian and see the merit and brillance which can be done by following and believing in the divine principles. However, my dark cloud seems to have me stagnant and leaves a lack of faith.

I do not have a clue what is in store for me in this life. I'm coming close 30 years old, which is a scary feeling. My one true hobby is humor and making others laugh. Especially a comfortable laughter not putting the other person down but trying to be genuine and light with the other person. I love other people so much but have so much hate for myself. My confidence is so low right now. Loneliness comes from boredom. I'm one of the hurt people, who hurt people. I tend to do it in an passive aggressive emotive type of way though.

Right now i'm working as a Direct Support Professional for a great company called the Saint Louis ARC. I love my job, my staff, my consumers. it's a wonderful company. I'm blessed to have a family who didn't abandon me or betray me. I have a lot of great friends (i've always had great friends). My favorite pastimes is food and humor. I'm so grateful but i'm lost at sea and I have a bunch of burdens and i am the beast.