I lost my way

Today was one of my last days in St. Louis and I am moving back to Minnesota with no plans or idea. I leave a great community and fellowship in hopes of finding serenity in a safer environment. The things I become accustom to loving so far from my reach I can almost hug them and feel the comfort from them. Im trying to reinvent the day I gave my life to God and allowed him to turn my worldview upside down. I recently grew to a loathing and hatred for the Christianity and neglected the beautiful friendships I acquired since give my will and my life over to Christ. I began to live for the world, for the things this world offers and avoiding the inner voice telling me what i am doing is wrong. I lost my way, lost hope in anything and everything. I became upset with people who talked about God. I live in a house with 5 other Christians who have dealt with so much in this last year I am grateful to have lived with them and break bread with them. I only wish I would have walked alongside them more often and encouraged them to be the best they can, not just for themselves but more importantly for God.

I think there was a lot of attacks on our hearts while we lived together and there was pain. There always will be pain but its what we do during and after that can define who we are and what we live for. I learned through adversity we can become great. We can become amazing creatures living for a king who loves us. When we are lost we are talking about a God who will travel the ends of the earth search our offense ways and cleanse us, keep us warm and send us and guide us. I lost way in remembering the importance in following and honestly loving God. When the times are dark I point the finger to God and place the blame on him. When my sister left me with my mom, when my mother had a miscarriage, when the alcohol ran dry, when she left me, when i left her, when a war began, when my parents split, when i got a D in a Mass Communications class, when i compare my status with others, when i fail, fall and burn inside, when my heart gentle weeps, when there's a spiritual overcast, when the bombs drop and the tears fall. All these moments and then some. Pain can come in wearing many hats and disguises. We can become so numb and desensitized to the feeling and built evil resentments.

I have no expectations for moving, only i hope to renew my mind from the filth and cleanse my heart from the person I was. I became the ugly monster i vowed to never be again and somehow made it without popping pills or soothing my soul in deadly venom's. I heard a while ago even demons believe but they don't follow. The believing and the following parts are so unique and easily removed without work (faith without works is dead). I don't know whats next in my life or what trials lye ahead, all i am sure of is I don't want to lose touch with God or his love for us. I missed the boat and am waiting for the next ferry ride. I'm sick of being sick and want his deep rooted love to shine instead of my deep seeded resentment. I return to the land of ten thousand lakes a free man, free from the bondage of Satan and giving the free gift of grace. I need a lesson in humility, patience, love and tranquility. We all have a long way to go and need him to help us grow. love!

"Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, or irritable, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing that is done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble."

(Author unknown)

Lord, God Almighty, You have brought us safely to the beginning of this day. Defend us today by Your mighty power, that we may not fall into any sin, but that all our words may so proceed and all our thoughts and actions be so directed, as to be always just in Your sight. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.   (christianrecoveryreading)