The Waiting Place

Stepping out of myself and trying to take an overall view of myself and where I am at. I have been thinking a lot of health lately. I like to try new things to become healthier. Exercise always lacks in consistency. I am started to see influences though, my uncle is working on a portioning diet and my aunt is getting a daily dose of yoga courtesy of on demand television. When I first got to South St. Paul I went for long walks to clear my head and rationalize my decision to move back to Minnesota. I became see live music for awhile. I slowly got a job. Two jobs. Quit one. One job. I do not work often and have issues finding things to occupy my days off with. Exercise could play a role in the department of things to do. Through moving back I realized how much Co-dependency I have in my life. I barely know many people up here and am afraid to venture out to meet new people. Which is usually not the case with me, i usually have no issues with meeting people.

Physical: Getting back to health, I have been a smoker since I was in seventh grade. I am almost thirty, broke, and single. I finally quit when my cousin and I convinced ourselves it was ruining our lives. We agreed to try to be more proactive and get off the couch more often. For me it hasn't happened yet. With quitting cigarettes also came quitting caffeine. Which in the drug categories it's like killing two birds with one stone. The draw back was irritability, negative attitude, constant fatigue, headaches that felt like earthquakes in my frontal lobe, coughing up all nasty Flem all morning and a increased appetite. So with that the cigs are gone, the caffeine is subdued and all the withdrawal symptoms have ceased and remain dormant for now. The AA "One Day At A Time" slogan fits very snug in this current situation.

Physical:

As far as physical health, my concern is the sloth behavior which has completely taking over since moving up here. No energy ever, and now two stimulants have been removed from my world. Finding the motivation to do anything is like pulling teeth. Physically i fear a diabetes, especially the losing limb part. I have a history of heart disease but dissonance always kicks in and I eat the worst known foods in large portion sizes. My exercise regiment is always a struggle as well. I have issues working out alone. I have issues doing anything alone. I seem to sleep quite a bit and beginning to believe that I may be the human form of Garfield the cat...i hope not.

Spiritually: None existent right now. Becoming less blaming and bitter towards God or Religion. I am grateful for all that has been provided and the people who have supported me throughout my 5 years of sobriety. Regardless of Christian or otherwise sees serenity in forms of nature. I have had issues with religion since I moved here and have not ventured or open my mind/heart to the idea of going back to church or even AA. Which is kinda scary considering right now I am doing sobriety out of pure willpower alone. No higher power, no group, no people. I'm in no way a dry drunk but I am human and I crave some nights, I get depressed and think about alcohol. I even get baffled some nights when I find myself meandering towards the alcohol and staring at it. Playing the game and weighing the pros and cons about drinking or not drinking...as of today the battle is won by me but I get scared about the war. I had an AA card with meetings on it but haven't stepped into the rooms of AA. I have even been invited to go to a meeting and never showed up. As far as church is concerned I am not ready to try to emerge into a church yet. This has been a scary tightrope situation in which I would love to remedy.

Social: Avoidance and isolation is my number one offender. After the initial move I hung out with a lot of people but the "high" of returning has dispersed and now I avoid opportunities to hang out with friends and be more proactive. I am not sure why, if its out of anger, fear or what??? I wish I knew. I spend a lot of time on social media and waste a lot of days doing nothing...

I love my aunt, my uncle, my cousin and they are great! I basically talk to them and not many other people. Even when I am told or suggested to find alternative outlets to communicate and socialize I avoid it. I don't know what happened. I feel like my soul has been sucked out sometimes and I am just a zombie. I'm not the Dan I know I can be lately.

My sister brought to my attention which has been on my mind for awhile now. She said "Maybe you are in the Waiting Place."

I was confused and replied "The what...?"

She said "You know the Waiting place, You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace..."and grind on for miles across weir dish wild space, headed, I fear,toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place. ...for people just waiting.Waiting for a train to go.or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow." Everyone is just waiting."Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.Everyone is just waiting." She paused and continued "You know from Dr. Seuss, maybe you are just waiting for something amazing to happen but you need to realize you sometimes have to take the chance and go after something. What are you passionate about?"

She had it right, I was confused and I am just waiting for stuff to come to me, maybe a sense of entitlement, maybe laziness, maybe I'm a sleep and awake at the same time. I don't know what happens next. There are four of me tugging and pulling towards different things and for some the ball has to be rolling sooner than later. Apart of me wants to go back to the great gateway to the west, the Arch city, my flirtation with feeling uncomfortable and safe at the same time. To my Hodiamont neighborhood among the refugees, living with my amazing roommates again and trying to pursue an honest living down there in the St. Louis heat. Another part of me is tugging towards my originality and going back to Mankato for grad school. Trying to focus on going for Ethnic Studies and either teaching or working on a campus focusing on celebrating diversity. Apart of me is considering reaching far across the globe and teaching in South Korea with a TESL certificate and a chance to teach in a distant land and learn exciting things. Lastly apart of me is wanting to stay here and build an identity here in the Twin Cities, find a nice job or go back to school. I am unsure on the schools here.

All I know is I can't wait anymore and I need to make some decisions. Thanks Bones and Dr. Seuss!!

OH THE PLACES YOU"LL GO!!

Confronted with being in Between.

Lately I've been stuck in between having energy and being a completely worthless person. I haven't worked since July 24th 2011 and it feels like a lifetime. Thanks to working countless hours of overtime and taking every shift I good get my greedy little paws on I have been able to save a little. But it really doesn't feel like savings when you know with every purchase your income and financial worth it eroding. My days blend together and are pretty uneventful. Even being invited to things is like pulling teeth. I think I've molded my big boned body into my aunt and uncle's couch. I love living here though and have had some really great conversations with my housemates, however personally i'm a worker. I like working no matter what it is (as long as I don't sweat a bunch). But the good news is that I have been sleeping at night without sleep aids regardless if it's falling asleep when the sun rises or if it's various birds waking up out side to remind me that Netflix or Hulu is going to be there in the afternoon when I wake up.

I've been caught in between hating and loving God. In between loving the followers and hating them. Let me rephrase that, I don't hate. I just don't believe in any of it. I don't know what my alignment is. I was looking at the clothes I own and there's a division between religious shirts with various uplifting scriptures on it on one hand and Heavy Metal satanic anti-religious quotations on the other hand. I'm not an Atheist, i'm not a faithless Christian either. I also wouldn't label my current feeling as an Agnostic either. I don't where my faith or lack of puts me. I'm stuck in the in between. I feel like the Rock Biter stuck without limestone rocks and swallowed by the inevitable nothing which sweep the land of Fantasia. I re-read my old blogs that were very pro-Christian and spiritual and I wonder what was the change and why is it when I enter a church I can't feel a pulse or when I talk about Christianity or am offered to read scripture I get annoyed and roll my eyes. I'm in between disbelief and believing in any existence of God, Gods, etc.

I'm in between pant sizes as well. For some strange reason my waist has gotten bigger. Blame it on sedentary living, lack of exercise, and improper volatile eating habits and presto. Overweight individual whose physically best looking days have came and gone. I still hold on to my old pants too. I don't let them go, like I let myself go. But no, I hold on to them as a shameful reminder of the one who once was. I'm not ashamed of my weight or am searching for any pity from the hearts of the reader, i'm just pointing out the obvious. But on a lighter note, I have managed to avoid the empty calorie acidic destroyer of the body that being Soda-pop. I'm soda free and my body is pissed and happy at the same time.

I'm in between cigarettes, I just had one before I wrote this and I will smoke on after I finish this. I was talking with my aunt last night about smoking telling her quitting drinking was easier than smoking. I quit for about two weeks and my longest tenure without cigarettes is 6 months. I'm not even sure I would quit if I found out I had cancer of every organ of the body tomorrow.

I'm in between alcoholic beverages, granted the last time I drank was 5 years ago. I am having a increase in using dreams, alcohol day dreams, pondering the "just one won't hurt" theory, and running out of self-talk and will power. I accept my alcoholism is a major contributor to my depression, low self-esteem and financial insecurities however some of the small town behaviors and sick minded people in the walls of meetings have made it hard for me to open my mind and heart to trusting other alcoholics. Sure there sick too and have there own issues to deal with but I haven't recovered from it. Also a lot of Higher Power talk. Not even the attraction of crappy coffee, cross-talking winos, the overabundance of judging, and the shine of medallions could get me running back to those doors. So, now I'm left in a dangerous, vulnerable predicament which is tough out recovery or drink. If I was a social drinker I would drink all the time, unfortunately I was a situational drinker and I had a lot of situations to drink. It was for the effect not for taste. Luckily I've chosen the first option.

I'm in between relationships...ladies call me.

I'm in between career decisions right now. I want to do it all and nothing at all. It's a strange place to be. I have thought of a multitude of career paths and have closed the door on substance abuse counseling joining the ranks of people who have degrees and have done nothing with them. Only to find myself unemployed, apathetic, and a mountain of debt. Makes me wish I had a vault like Scrooge Mcduck which I could surf in. By the way, I 'm sure he could of hired the Beagle Boys to work for him. They could have gotten a good probation officer and worked for the betterment of the company. Instead of trying to bring Scrooge McTrump's empire down. But anyways, the careers I have consider goes as follows, Viking (not a player, but growing out a beard, not showering, getting an acting degree, and getting type-cast in movies like Gladiator, Braveheart, LOTR), Occupational Therapist (no GRE required), Social Worker (basically being a professional hater of self), chef (the commercials for Le Cordon Bleu make me think i could make some better eggs), Public Health (until I realized I may be a health antagonist with the way I obliterate my body), professional soccer goalie (not the greatest vertical in the milky way), a comedian (can't tell a story and am really not that funny...just sad). So here I wonder whats next. This may be my mid-life crisis.

With all these things I have a great supportive loving family and a laundry list of friends on different sides of the religious coin, different political views and a high tolerance for whatever comes out of my mouth.

Love guys!!

Daniel

I lost my way

Today was one of my last days in St. Louis and I am moving back to Minnesota with no plans or idea. I leave a great community and fellowship in hopes of finding serenity in a safer environment. The things I become accustom to loving so far from my reach I can almost hug them and feel the comfort from them. Im trying to reinvent the day I gave my life to God and allowed him to turn my worldview upside down. I recently grew to a loathing and hatred for the Christianity and neglected the beautiful friendships I acquired since give my will and my life over to Christ. I began to live for the world, for the things this world offers and avoiding the inner voice telling me what i am doing is wrong. I lost my way, lost hope in anything and everything. I became upset with people who talked about God. I live in a house with 5 other Christians who have dealt with so much in this last year I am grateful to have lived with them and break bread with them. I only wish I would have walked alongside them more often and encouraged them to be the best they can, not just for themselves but more importantly for God.

I think there was a lot of attacks on our hearts while we lived together and there was pain. There always will be pain but its what we do during and after that can define who we are and what we live for. I learned through adversity we can become great. We can become amazing creatures living for a king who loves us. When we are lost we are talking about a God who will travel the ends of the earth search our offense ways and cleanse us, keep us warm and send us and guide us. I lost way in remembering the importance in following and honestly loving God. When the times are dark I point the finger to God and place the blame on him. When my sister left me with my mom, when my mother had a miscarriage, when the alcohol ran dry, when she left me, when i left her, when a war began, when my parents split, when i got a D in a Mass Communications class, when i compare my status with others, when i fail, fall and burn inside, when my heart gentle weeps, when there's a spiritual overcast, when the bombs drop and the tears fall. All these moments and then some. Pain can come in wearing many hats and disguises. We can become so numb and desensitized to the feeling and built evil resentments.

I have no expectations for moving, only i hope to renew my mind from the filth and cleanse my heart from the person I was. I became the ugly monster i vowed to never be again and somehow made it without popping pills or soothing my soul in deadly venom's. I heard a while ago even demons believe but they don't follow. The believing and the following parts are so unique and easily removed without work (faith without works is dead). I don't know whats next in my life or what trials lye ahead, all i am sure of is I don't want to lose touch with God or his love for us. I missed the boat and am waiting for the next ferry ride. I'm sick of being sick and want his deep rooted love to shine instead of my deep seeded resentment. I return to the land of ten thousand lakes a free man, free from the bondage of Satan and giving the free gift of grace. I need a lesson in humility, patience, love and tranquility. We all have a long way to go and need him to help us grow. love!

"Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, or irritable, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing that is done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble."

(Author unknown)

Lord, God Almighty, You have brought us safely to the beginning of this day. Defend us today by Your mighty power, that we may not fall into any sin, but that all our words may so proceed and all our thoughts and actions be so directed, as to be always just in Your sight. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.   (christianrecoveryreading)

The Beast of Burden

The hardest point of being stuck in this crossroads is actually enjoying the ugliest portions of my life. I'm sitting in my living room enjoying some kind of African pop music bounce through the neighbors wall. I sit next to one of my best friends after a smooth drive around the South side of St. Louis. He was going to show me a Arabian Market where he was planning to buy things. It was closed so we never got to actually step foot in there. We discussed quite a few things on our drive most of the stuff I have been avoiding. My faith has been neglected and shattered. I have recently grown angry with God and have chosen the dark sins to fill my void. I embraced the dark portions and kept to myself through a painful time in my life.

With the excitement or the reluctant allowance of comfort i plan to return to Minnesota. I have no feelings towards God right now. I don't want to build a solid foundation with the God I once gave my will and life over too. I took it back and started living on my own accord. I stop going to church, the word God made me cringe. I began listening to music which could be deemed evil. I began looking up videos on evening on the "Church of Satan." I pictured myself as a loner or a basket case. An aloof to the world I loved. I was convincing myself that I did not need God and returned to the animosity of my teenage angst. Trying to carry all the weight of my pain in suffering on my back. Relishing in the prideful thoughts of "maybe i'm better off without a Godhead to follow." My thoughts went from "Lord you are my everything to swiftly "Lord you are nothing. I'm currently a hopeful skeptic, drifting away from the faith and holding onto portions of my faith. The running, the dodging, the tears, the anger, the self loathing and isolation really only leads me down a darker and deeper rabbit hole. Days go by and I do not want to return to the light, I crave the dark nowadays. The Bible becomes heavy, the words not applicable or interesting. The papers cut so thin became thick and painful to pass through. At one point in my life I was writing "Fucking Lies" throughout pages of Pauls letters, to my life source, my source of food. It slowly evaporated and became a gaseous substance so tough to seek after. I have a friend who sends me biblical texts every morning, at one point encouraging, altruistic, and potent for a bright day. Now the very same text messages burn in my heart and make me angry to read.

The shadowy figures which dance in a hypnotic trance have left me naked and scared to open my eyes. At times feeling like I followed not to build a relationship with God but to date his daughters. I'm not a very mature christian. I still label myself a christian and see the merit and brillance which can be done by following and believing in the divine principles. However, my dark cloud seems to have me stagnant and leaves a lack of faith.

I do not have a clue what is in store for me in this life. I'm coming close 30 years old, which is a scary feeling. My one true hobby is humor and making others laugh. Especially a comfortable laughter not putting the other person down but trying to be genuine and light with the other person. I love other people so much but have so much hate for myself. My confidence is so low right now. Loneliness comes from boredom. I'm one of the hurt people, who hurt people. I tend to do it in an passive aggressive emotive type of way though.

Right now i'm working as a Direct Support Professional for a great company called the Saint Louis ARC. I love my job, my staff, my consumers. it's a wonderful company. I'm blessed to have a family who didn't abandon me or betray me. I have a lot of great friends (i've always had great friends). My favorite pastimes is food and humor. I'm so grateful but i'm lost at sea and I have a bunch of burdens and i am the beast.

A split decision

Over the past few months since I began working my new job. I have left no room for God at all, I refused to pray, became bitter with the word, felt like spitting on his people and loathed the idea of a king of kings bringing salvation and redemption into the hearts of this vast and encumbered humanity. I was sold on the idea that God brought me out of a place which was the dark, punitive, and encrypted with self hatred. The code was easy to break. I just needed a mirror to see the person i hated most in this world, a reflection with the shattered glass shards. I envisioned my death, my abyss. I grew comfortable in my own tiny existence in a frozen part of this world. I was living in deceit, clearly lying to myself everyday.

I struggle with the battle between good and evil, God versus Devil, Superman versus Lex Luther, Boston versus New York, Me versus me. I struggle with attacks from the devil. I get depressed and i do not choose to expose my pain or find healthy coping mechanisms. The mind has been like a filing cabinet, storing data and filing it away for later use. At times my mental office is not sending mental e-files but grabbing a shovel and burying the dead. Burying the memories of positivity. Replacing data with decay and storage with rows of death.

I love Jesus, i drift though. I ignore the red flags and revert back to my own personal loathing hole deep within the frozen tundra. The further i get in the deep dark ocean filled with sharks and hungry evil creatures, the harder it is form me to return to the shore. Jesus calmed the storm in peoples hearts, embraced the ugliness in the human heart and was cast into hell only to return to heaven. Song upon song, hymn upon hymn written about a baby who would save the world. I gave my life to follow, and i thought it was going to be easy. I thought the problems leave and i was going to feel pure bliss all the time. Angels would be cast down and i would be carried through pain and suffering. Over the past few weeks i have been obsessed with evils of this world. I became a blasphemer, an assistant to the chief of sinners, I have become bitter and angry, Church bores me, the drive to read the world has been sucked up like a airport window (Saint Louis reference, maybe too soon). I have a relationship and friends who care and all i can think of is cursing them out for making eye contact with me. I know bad days but bad weeks. This world is my cave, my isolation has made me even more angry with the world. I'm controlling also, i live driving the car and having control of my life. The only verse i have paid attention to in the pst few months has been Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I'm waiting for the mourning to stop and the morning to start. I was told when i came to believe in God early in my "walk." With all that has gone on in my head i have the urge to run away from God and run toward the hate, the anger the...lie. The cravings come in my brain my the millisecond. I want to run away from the Gospel, from the pages that brought me life. O how i hate the pain that i feel right now take it away Lord. Take the affliction of addiction, take the rope from around my neck ,the razor blades from my skin and the blackest enemy which lies in my heart. I'm sick of conning myself and denying the fact that i do love you, I want to follow you and see your kingdom come. My girlfriends house was robbed and i had no emotion, i've lied to friends and denied to acknowledge the hate inside me. It all comes down to their is a God and i am far from it. I want the peace to return, no more sorrow. I want to see the world through Gods eyes. If he truly is the God of love i want to be apart of that reality instead the one i materialized and mold (which crumbles and burns). I recently had a group of friends come down to visit during the holiday of Easter. I had an opportunity to hang out with them but choose to spend time alone with nobody. Just me and my tears as i pretended to enjoy the television show i was watching.

I want more...you and less me.

Sick of Sickness

It's been a very long time between posts and I have made a lot of steps in different directions. I have burrowed myself away from God in recent days, since I finished City lights and also finished my 5 month internship. I am know at a part in my life where a friend of mine calls leaving the highway and jumping on the freeway. I ultimately have an found out I am horrible at making decisions on my own and when I do I get hurt and deny the self inflicted suffrage movement which festers in my soul.

When I choose my own will it results in my getting off the boat and sinking to the bottom of the sea or it involves isolation, cutting myself off from God and the friends who are closest to me staying on the boat but in the process of my journey i end up throwing the loved ones, the rations, the paddle, the sail, any goodness over board and i drift at sea further and further away from God. I sit between "I love social justice while attaining products made by slaves, or I need salvation while snitching, lying and thievery (STL), I abuse the Gospel and become more two faced than Tommy Lee Jones. I recognize that Paul called himself the "chief of sinners." (1 Timothy 1:15) I at times will look at this scripture and asked if I can borrow the title with all the sinning I do. Allow me to reintroduce my self my name is Daniel C. Mas"sin"aglia.

I'm on my last couple of days of my vacation back home and learning more about myself and my relationship with God has been a struggle. I have been isolating myself while being around people who love and care about me. I need to remember the importance of the 3 hour death of Jesus and see his suffering, ends mine. I sit in this tiny closest were my mom keeps her computer (which is cute as a ceramic care bear made by Michelangelo), the room is tiny but spacious not constricting or confiding and I read a poem my mom has posted on the wall. It was written by an unidentified Civil War soldier (doesn't say Confederate or Yankee) it reads:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve...
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things...
I was giving infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy...
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men...
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life...
II got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men, richly blessed.

I love the part of the poem were he states he received nothing he asked for but everything he hoped for. I am in a place in my life were I'm confused about my future and am constantly worrying about personal salvation or financial security, what people think about me, intimidated by the spiritual gifts of others, not knowing certain things about the Bible, not understanding my calling or how to listen to God. At the end of the day I need to be at peace with the Lord and leaning (truth!) on him instead of building my own blueprint and applying the footwork, manpower and hardheadedness to work through issues in my life, instead take a break and let God take back what is his.

I've been looking for different jobs in the health and helping field, i have considered many different options for graduate school which has made my head spin. I feel like a little kid with all the options I have right now. I want to be a social worker, counselor, journalist, teacher, go on global missions, become a nurse, fly planes, become a doctor, feed the poor, go for public health, become a sociologist, write a book, become a bum, work with developmental disabled, own a home, have kids, become a deacon, become the pastor, love my neighbor (within certain guidelines and comfort factors), love God (see love my neighbors previously typed), hate on conservatives, not grow up, plant a garden, get khakis and a suit, roll my eyes, and think about volunteering without action.

Most of all stay sick and in a dream like state, going through the motions and praying with "holistic" false motives. I want a Gospel to accommodate my sleep schedule and also that creates an acquired pension plan and can come with bullet points. I want Humility which " is not thinking less of yourself, but rather thinking about yourself less.” - C.S. Lewis.

I have a lot of good things happening in my life right now. I have some not completely driving a special lady crazy, I have a wealth of highly intellectual faith-based and dependent friends, a loving family who loves my unconditionally, and most importantly a loving God who sees me as his and loves me no matter what I do or what I do not do. I am loved through my skepticism, my disbelief, my own experience as a doubting Thomas.

I am loved and kept in his grasps. I have a hope and a future and regardless of what happens or doesn't happen I am loved and taking care of. I want to let go of my resentments and gain a deeper understanding of God and working with all of his people. I want to rid myself of a closed thinking error of "my religion is better than yours" attitude. God loves all of us, regardless if we are Jesuit or Muslim, Buddhist or Hindu. I have some how gained some Christian view of my religion being empirical and hovers over the ground of other religions. I become hypocritical and elitist and gain some covert spiritual entitlement when I think of being a Christian. It becomes judgmental when I think about a hierarchy of faith....huh?

I did substance abuse counselor with a real "crunchy" crowd in downtown St. Louis. Every Monday and Wednesday during the afternoons we would have large group education classes. Some where overwhelming and hard to hear as I would hear about the clients personal issues. It ran the gamut of addiction, shootings, domestic violence, loss or grief, relapse, overdose, hatred, racism, living in rough neighborhoods, talking about failed housing projects, poverty, the difficulties of finding employment while having a criminal background, and many other issues. I and 4 other counselors who are absolutely brilliant led groups of various forms. I led and also observed many groups. I remember one group were my program director led and he had an hour to educate, counsel, and inspire the clients to better their lives. He read a poem which continues to stick with my today. It's called the Dash Poem by Linda Ellis:

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on his tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of his birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered the most of all
Was the dash between those years

For the dash represents all the time
That he spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved him
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

This poem inspired me to reflect on what my life was like, what happened and what i am like now." An inspirational sermon topic is if a person wants to die as a title or a testimony. I want to be remember as a good son (not Macaulay Culkin) of God and have a loving testimony. I want to be a hopeful-skeptic and a loving son, not an orphan. I am sick of the sickness of self-hatred and the deception I put on myself and wallow in my own self-pity, instead I want to be reminded from Corinthians "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.(1 Corinthians 10:13)."

Love

God has us!

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10.



The knowledge of the holy one. Right now my constant rate or fraction with the Lord is always a lack of trust or even balance. I have been saying the same prayer since I became clean and sober from drugs. I learned to lean on a simple prayer,"God, Grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things i can, and the Wisdom to know the difference." The balance part is there, I am able to prioritize and handle situations completely different then resorting to a whiskey coke as liquid courage to approach conversations without fail. I'm not trying to manipulate the world to do my bidding anymore (well at least less than I was at, i'm working on progress). But seeking God at times of trouble and being surprised when God answers prayers as if it was a christmas miracle and not trully believing that God has unlimited power and resources at his disposal. Lord help me with my unbelief. "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).

The Serenity prayer holds a lot of power especially in the realm of recovery. It runs deep into the souls of many people trying to turn away from a life of guilt, shame, pain and loss. Help me with my unbelief, we ask God to provide something for us and when we get it we turn our back from the provider. It's like a heroin addict going to get methadone without acknowledging the harm reduction tactic as a helpful tool to mend the dope sickness. It's like being ungrateful with the amount of food on our trays, or complaining about a lack of sleep when we ignore the grim reality that someone didn't sleep at all last night.

Help me with my unbelief...especially when i'm in desperate measures and completely and utterly alone. I sometimes believe only "Help me when it's convienent to me and my needs." We are at a point where we say to God "Help me get to the top of Maslows Pyramid but than God, please step out of my way." We ignore our provider, as teenagers, as children do. We all need to work on the view of unbelief. God provides our necesities every single second. The very breath you are breathing right now has been provided and planned out. Our blueprint and very deep moral fiber, beliefs, attitudes all planned out. God has us...God always had us.

We get surprised also when we know we can't do something on our own and only God can provide us with answers or strength to continue to do some of the things we do. He gives us life. That should be enough, God has already giving us a kingdom all the riches here on earth are nothing compared to what we get when the episode on this planet ends for us. God has us! ever since the Old Testament he says "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14). The Lord rescues me from every attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory for ever and ever (2 Timothy 4:18). God has us! It's not about your way, it's about Yahweh!


The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. (Romans 16:20).

Love God and People!