The Waiting Place

Stepping out of myself and trying to take an overall view of myself and where I am at. I have been thinking a lot of health lately. I like to try new things to become healthier. Exercise always lacks in consistency. I am started to see influences though, my uncle is working on a portioning diet and my aunt is getting a daily dose of yoga courtesy of on demand television. When I first got to South St. Paul I went for long walks to clear my head and rationalize my decision to move back to Minnesota. I became see live music for awhile. I slowly got a job. Two jobs. Quit one. One job. I do not work often and have issues finding things to occupy my days off with. Exercise could play a role in the department of things to do. Through moving back I realized how much Co-dependency I have in my life. I barely know many people up here and am afraid to venture out to meet new people. Which is usually not the case with me, i usually have no issues with meeting people.

Physical: Getting back to health, I have been a smoker since I was in seventh grade. I am almost thirty, broke, and single. I finally quit when my cousin and I convinced ourselves it was ruining our lives. We agreed to try to be more proactive and get off the couch more often. For me it hasn't happened yet. With quitting cigarettes also came quitting caffeine. Which in the drug categories it's like killing two birds with one stone. The draw back was irritability, negative attitude, constant fatigue, headaches that felt like earthquakes in my frontal lobe, coughing up all nasty Flem all morning and a increased appetite. So with that the cigs are gone, the caffeine is subdued and all the withdrawal symptoms have ceased and remain dormant for now. The AA "One Day At A Time" slogan fits very snug in this current situation.

Physical:

As far as physical health, my concern is the sloth behavior which has completely taking over since moving up here. No energy ever, and now two stimulants have been removed from my world. Finding the motivation to do anything is like pulling teeth. Physically i fear a diabetes, especially the losing limb part. I have a history of heart disease but dissonance always kicks in and I eat the worst known foods in large portion sizes. My exercise regiment is always a struggle as well. I have issues working out alone. I have issues doing anything alone. I seem to sleep quite a bit and beginning to believe that I may be the human form of Garfield the cat...i hope not.

Spiritually: None existent right now. Becoming less blaming and bitter towards God or Religion. I am grateful for all that has been provided and the people who have supported me throughout my 5 years of sobriety. Regardless of Christian or otherwise sees serenity in forms of nature. I have had issues with religion since I moved here and have not ventured or open my mind/heart to the idea of going back to church or even AA. Which is kinda scary considering right now I am doing sobriety out of pure willpower alone. No higher power, no group, no people. I'm in no way a dry drunk but I am human and I crave some nights, I get depressed and think about alcohol. I even get baffled some nights when I find myself meandering towards the alcohol and staring at it. Playing the game and weighing the pros and cons about drinking or not drinking...as of today the battle is won by me but I get scared about the war. I had an AA card with meetings on it but haven't stepped into the rooms of AA. I have even been invited to go to a meeting and never showed up. As far as church is concerned I am not ready to try to emerge into a church yet. This has been a scary tightrope situation in which I would love to remedy.

Social: Avoidance and isolation is my number one offender. After the initial move I hung out with a lot of people but the "high" of returning has dispersed and now I avoid opportunities to hang out with friends and be more proactive. I am not sure why, if its out of anger, fear or what??? I wish I knew. I spend a lot of time on social media and waste a lot of days doing nothing...

I love my aunt, my uncle, my cousin and they are great! I basically talk to them and not many other people. Even when I am told or suggested to find alternative outlets to communicate and socialize I avoid it. I don't know what happened. I feel like my soul has been sucked out sometimes and I am just a zombie. I'm not the Dan I know I can be lately.

My sister brought to my attention which has been on my mind for awhile now. She said "Maybe you are in the Waiting Place."

I was confused and replied "The what...?"

She said "You know the Waiting place, You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace..."and grind on for miles across weir dish wild space, headed, I fear,toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place. ...for people just waiting.Waiting for a train to go.or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow." Everyone is just waiting."Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.Everyone is just waiting." She paused and continued "You know from Dr. Seuss, maybe you are just waiting for something amazing to happen but you need to realize you sometimes have to take the chance and go after something. What are you passionate about?"

She had it right, I was confused and I am just waiting for stuff to come to me, maybe a sense of entitlement, maybe laziness, maybe I'm a sleep and awake at the same time. I don't know what happens next. There are four of me tugging and pulling towards different things and for some the ball has to be rolling sooner than later. Apart of me wants to go back to the great gateway to the west, the Arch city, my flirtation with feeling uncomfortable and safe at the same time. To my Hodiamont neighborhood among the refugees, living with my amazing roommates again and trying to pursue an honest living down there in the St. Louis heat. Another part of me is tugging towards my originality and going back to Mankato for grad school. Trying to focus on going for Ethnic Studies and either teaching or working on a campus focusing on celebrating diversity. Apart of me is considering reaching far across the globe and teaching in South Korea with a TESL certificate and a chance to teach in a distant land and learn exciting things. Lastly apart of me is wanting to stay here and build an identity here in the Twin Cities, find a nice job or go back to school. I am unsure on the schools here.

All I know is I can't wait anymore and I need to make some decisions. Thanks Bones and Dr. Seuss!!

OH THE PLACES YOU"LL GO!!

Confronted with being in Between.

Lately I've been stuck in between having energy and being a completely worthless person. I haven't worked since July 24th 2011 and it feels like a lifetime. Thanks to working countless hours of overtime and taking every shift I good get my greedy little paws on I have been able to save a little. But it really doesn't feel like savings when you know with every purchase your income and financial worth it eroding. My days blend together and are pretty uneventful. Even being invited to things is like pulling teeth. I think I've molded my big boned body into my aunt and uncle's couch. I love living here though and have had some really great conversations with my housemates, however personally i'm a worker. I like working no matter what it is (as long as I don't sweat a bunch). But the good news is that I have been sleeping at night without sleep aids regardless if it's falling asleep when the sun rises or if it's various birds waking up out side to remind me that Netflix or Hulu is going to be there in the afternoon when I wake up.

I've been caught in between hating and loving God. In between loving the followers and hating them. Let me rephrase that, I don't hate. I just don't believe in any of it. I don't know what my alignment is. I was looking at the clothes I own and there's a division between religious shirts with various uplifting scriptures on it on one hand and Heavy Metal satanic anti-religious quotations on the other hand. I'm not an Atheist, i'm not a faithless Christian either. I also wouldn't label my current feeling as an Agnostic either. I don't where my faith or lack of puts me. I'm stuck in the in between. I feel like the Rock Biter stuck without limestone rocks and swallowed by the inevitable nothing which sweep the land of Fantasia. I re-read my old blogs that were very pro-Christian and spiritual and I wonder what was the change and why is it when I enter a church I can't feel a pulse or when I talk about Christianity or am offered to read scripture I get annoyed and roll my eyes. I'm in between disbelief and believing in any existence of God, Gods, etc.

I'm in between pant sizes as well. For some strange reason my waist has gotten bigger. Blame it on sedentary living, lack of exercise, and improper volatile eating habits and presto. Overweight individual whose physically best looking days have came and gone. I still hold on to my old pants too. I don't let them go, like I let myself go. But no, I hold on to them as a shameful reminder of the one who once was. I'm not ashamed of my weight or am searching for any pity from the hearts of the reader, i'm just pointing out the obvious. But on a lighter note, I have managed to avoid the empty calorie acidic destroyer of the body that being Soda-pop. I'm soda free and my body is pissed and happy at the same time.

I'm in between cigarettes, I just had one before I wrote this and I will smoke on after I finish this. I was talking with my aunt last night about smoking telling her quitting drinking was easier than smoking. I quit for about two weeks and my longest tenure without cigarettes is 6 months. I'm not even sure I would quit if I found out I had cancer of every organ of the body tomorrow.

I'm in between alcoholic beverages, granted the last time I drank was 5 years ago. I am having a increase in using dreams, alcohol day dreams, pondering the "just one won't hurt" theory, and running out of self-talk and will power. I accept my alcoholism is a major contributor to my depression, low self-esteem and financial insecurities however some of the small town behaviors and sick minded people in the walls of meetings have made it hard for me to open my mind and heart to trusting other alcoholics. Sure there sick too and have there own issues to deal with but I haven't recovered from it. Also a lot of Higher Power talk. Not even the attraction of crappy coffee, cross-talking winos, the overabundance of judging, and the shine of medallions could get me running back to those doors. So, now I'm left in a dangerous, vulnerable predicament which is tough out recovery or drink. If I was a social drinker I would drink all the time, unfortunately I was a situational drinker and I had a lot of situations to drink. It was for the effect not for taste. Luckily I've chosen the first option.

I'm in between relationships...ladies call me.

I'm in between career decisions right now. I want to do it all and nothing at all. It's a strange place to be. I have thought of a multitude of career paths and have closed the door on substance abuse counseling joining the ranks of people who have degrees and have done nothing with them. Only to find myself unemployed, apathetic, and a mountain of debt. Makes me wish I had a vault like Scrooge Mcduck which I could surf in. By the way, I 'm sure he could of hired the Beagle Boys to work for him. They could have gotten a good probation officer and worked for the betterment of the company. Instead of trying to bring Scrooge McTrump's empire down. But anyways, the careers I have consider goes as follows, Viking (not a player, but growing out a beard, not showering, getting an acting degree, and getting type-cast in movies like Gladiator, Braveheart, LOTR), Occupational Therapist (no GRE required), Social Worker (basically being a professional hater of self), chef (the commercials for Le Cordon Bleu make me think i could make some better eggs), Public Health (until I realized I may be a health antagonist with the way I obliterate my body), professional soccer goalie (not the greatest vertical in the milky way), a comedian (can't tell a story and am really not that funny...just sad). So here I wonder whats next. This may be my mid-life crisis.

With all these things I have a great supportive loving family and a laundry list of friends on different sides of the religious coin, different political views and a high tolerance for whatever comes out of my mouth.

Love guys!!

Daniel

I lost my way

Today was one of my last days in St. Louis and I am moving back to Minnesota with no plans or idea. I leave a great community and fellowship in hopes of finding serenity in a safer environment. The things I become accustom to loving so far from my reach I can almost hug them and feel the comfort from them. Im trying to reinvent the day I gave my life to God and allowed him to turn my worldview upside down. I recently grew to a loathing and hatred for the Christianity and neglected the beautiful friendships I acquired since give my will and my life over to Christ. I began to live for the world, for the things this world offers and avoiding the inner voice telling me what i am doing is wrong. I lost my way, lost hope in anything and everything. I became upset with people who talked about God. I live in a house with 5 other Christians who have dealt with so much in this last year I am grateful to have lived with them and break bread with them. I only wish I would have walked alongside them more often and encouraged them to be the best they can, not just for themselves but more importantly for God.

I think there was a lot of attacks on our hearts while we lived together and there was pain. There always will be pain but its what we do during and after that can define who we are and what we live for. I learned through adversity we can become great. We can become amazing creatures living for a king who loves us. When we are lost we are talking about a God who will travel the ends of the earth search our offense ways and cleanse us, keep us warm and send us and guide us. I lost way in remembering the importance in following and honestly loving God. When the times are dark I point the finger to God and place the blame on him. When my sister left me with my mom, when my mother had a miscarriage, when the alcohol ran dry, when she left me, when i left her, when a war began, when my parents split, when i got a D in a Mass Communications class, when i compare my status with others, when i fail, fall and burn inside, when my heart gentle weeps, when there's a spiritual overcast, when the bombs drop and the tears fall. All these moments and then some. Pain can come in wearing many hats and disguises. We can become so numb and desensitized to the feeling and built evil resentments.

I have no expectations for moving, only i hope to renew my mind from the filth and cleanse my heart from the person I was. I became the ugly monster i vowed to never be again and somehow made it without popping pills or soothing my soul in deadly venom's. I heard a while ago even demons believe but they don't follow. The believing and the following parts are so unique and easily removed without work (faith without works is dead). I don't know whats next in my life or what trials lye ahead, all i am sure of is I don't want to lose touch with God or his love for us. I missed the boat and am waiting for the next ferry ride. I'm sick of being sick and want his deep rooted love to shine instead of my deep seeded resentment. I return to the land of ten thousand lakes a free man, free from the bondage of Satan and giving the free gift of grace. I need a lesson in humility, patience, love and tranquility. We all have a long way to go and need him to help us grow. love!

"Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, or irritable, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing that is done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and kneel to my Father in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble."

(Author unknown)

Lord, God Almighty, You have brought us safely to the beginning of this day. Defend us today by Your mighty power, that we may not fall into any sin, but that all our words may so proceed and all our thoughts and actions be so directed, as to be always just in Your sight. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.   (christianrecoveryreading)

The Beast of Burden

The hardest point of being stuck in this crossroads is actually enjoying the ugliest portions of my life. I'm sitting in my living room enjoying some kind of African pop music bounce through the neighbors wall. I sit next to one of my best friends after a smooth drive around the South side of St. Louis. He was going to show me a Arabian Market where he was planning to buy things. It was closed so we never got to actually step foot in there. We discussed quite a few things on our drive most of the stuff I have been avoiding. My faith has been neglected and shattered. I have recently grown angry with God and have chosen the dark sins to fill my void. I embraced the dark portions and kept to myself through a painful time in my life.

With the excitement or the reluctant allowance of comfort i plan to return to Minnesota. I have no feelings towards God right now. I don't want to build a solid foundation with the God I once gave my will and life over too. I took it back and started living on my own accord. I stop going to church, the word God made me cringe. I began listening to music which could be deemed evil. I began looking up videos on evening on the "Church of Satan." I pictured myself as a loner or a basket case. An aloof to the world I loved. I was convincing myself that I did not need God and returned to the animosity of my teenage angst. Trying to carry all the weight of my pain in suffering on my back. Relishing in the prideful thoughts of "maybe i'm better off without a Godhead to follow." My thoughts went from "Lord you are my everything to swiftly "Lord you are nothing. I'm currently a hopeful skeptic, drifting away from the faith and holding onto portions of my faith. The running, the dodging, the tears, the anger, the self loathing and isolation really only leads me down a darker and deeper rabbit hole. Days go by and I do not want to return to the light, I crave the dark nowadays. The Bible becomes heavy, the words not applicable or interesting. The papers cut so thin became thick and painful to pass through. At one point in my life I was writing "Fucking Lies" throughout pages of Pauls letters, to my life source, my source of food. It slowly evaporated and became a gaseous substance so tough to seek after. I have a friend who sends me biblical texts every morning, at one point encouraging, altruistic, and potent for a bright day. Now the very same text messages burn in my heart and make me angry to read.

The shadowy figures which dance in a hypnotic trance have left me naked and scared to open my eyes. At times feeling like I followed not to build a relationship with God but to date his daughters. I'm not a very mature christian. I still label myself a christian and see the merit and brillance which can be done by following and believing in the divine principles. However, my dark cloud seems to have me stagnant and leaves a lack of faith.

I do not have a clue what is in store for me in this life. I'm coming close 30 years old, which is a scary feeling. My one true hobby is humor and making others laugh. Especially a comfortable laughter not putting the other person down but trying to be genuine and light with the other person. I love other people so much but have so much hate for myself. My confidence is so low right now. Loneliness comes from boredom. I'm one of the hurt people, who hurt people. I tend to do it in an passive aggressive emotive type of way though.

Right now i'm working as a Direct Support Professional for a great company called the Saint Louis ARC. I love my job, my staff, my consumers. it's a wonderful company. I'm blessed to have a family who didn't abandon me or betray me. I have a lot of great friends (i've always had great friends). My favorite pastimes is food and humor. I'm so grateful but i'm lost at sea and I have a bunch of burdens and i am the beast.

A split decision

Over the past few months since I began working my new job. I have left no room for God at all, I refused to pray, became bitter with the word, felt like spitting on his people and loathed the idea of a king of kings bringing salvation and redemption into the hearts of this vast and encumbered humanity. I was sold on the idea that God brought me out of a place which was the dark, punitive, and encrypted with self hatred. The code was easy to break. I just needed a mirror to see the person i hated most in this world, a reflection with the shattered glass shards. I envisioned my death, my abyss. I grew comfortable in my own tiny existence in a frozen part of this world. I was living in deceit, clearly lying to myself everyday.

I struggle with the battle between good and evil, God versus Devil, Superman versus Lex Luther, Boston versus New York, Me versus me. I struggle with attacks from the devil. I get depressed and i do not choose to expose my pain or find healthy coping mechanisms. The mind has been like a filing cabinet, storing data and filing it away for later use. At times my mental office is not sending mental e-files but grabbing a shovel and burying the dead. Burying the memories of positivity. Replacing data with decay and storage with rows of death.

I love Jesus, i drift though. I ignore the red flags and revert back to my own personal loathing hole deep within the frozen tundra. The further i get in the deep dark ocean filled with sharks and hungry evil creatures, the harder it is form me to return to the shore. Jesus calmed the storm in peoples hearts, embraced the ugliness in the human heart and was cast into hell only to return to heaven. Song upon song, hymn upon hymn written about a baby who would save the world. I gave my life to follow, and i thought it was going to be easy. I thought the problems leave and i was going to feel pure bliss all the time. Angels would be cast down and i would be carried through pain and suffering. Over the past few weeks i have been obsessed with evils of this world. I became a blasphemer, an assistant to the chief of sinners, I have become bitter and angry, Church bores me, the drive to read the world has been sucked up like a airport window (Saint Louis reference, maybe too soon). I have a relationship and friends who care and all i can think of is cursing them out for making eye contact with me. I know bad days but bad weeks. This world is my cave, my isolation has made me even more angry with the world. I'm controlling also, i live driving the car and having control of my life. The only verse i have paid attention to in the pst few months has been Psalm 30:5 For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

I'm waiting for the mourning to stop and the morning to start. I was told when i came to believe in God early in my "walk." With all that has gone on in my head i have the urge to run away from God and run toward the hate, the anger the...lie. The cravings come in my brain my the millisecond. I want to run away from the Gospel, from the pages that brought me life. O how i hate the pain that i feel right now take it away Lord. Take the affliction of addiction, take the rope from around my neck ,the razor blades from my skin and the blackest enemy which lies in my heart. I'm sick of conning myself and denying the fact that i do love you, I want to follow you and see your kingdom come. My girlfriends house was robbed and i had no emotion, i've lied to friends and denied to acknowledge the hate inside me. It all comes down to their is a God and i am far from it. I want the peace to return, no more sorrow. I want to see the world through Gods eyes. If he truly is the God of love i want to be apart of that reality instead the one i materialized and mold (which crumbles and burns). I recently had a group of friends come down to visit during the holiday of Easter. I had an opportunity to hang out with them but choose to spend time alone with nobody. Just me and my tears as i pretended to enjoy the television show i was watching.

I want more...you and less me.

Sick of Sickness

It's been a very long time between posts and I have made a lot of steps in different directions. I have burrowed myself away from God in recent days, since I finished City lights and also finished my 5 month internship. I am know at a part in my life where a friend of mine calls leaving the highway and jumping on the freeway. I ultimately have an found out I am horrible at making decisions on my own and when I do I get hurt and deny the self inflicted suffrage movement which festers in my soul.

When I choose my own will it results in my getting off the boat and sinking to the bottom of the sea or it involves isolation, cutting myself off from God and the friends who are closest to me staying on the boat but in the process of my journey i end up throwing the loved ones, the rations, the paddle, the sail, any goodness over board and i drift at sea further and further away from God. I sit between "I love social justice while attaining products made by slaves, or I need salvation while snitching, lying and thievery (STL), I abuse the Gospel and become more two faced than Tommy Lee Jones. I recognize that Paul called himself the "chief of sinners." (1 Timothy 1:15) I at times will look at this scripture and asked if I can borrow the title with all the sinning I do. Allow me to reintroduce my self my name is Daniel C. Mas"sin"aglia.

I'm on my last couple of days of my vacation back home and learning more about myself and my relationship with God has been a struggle. I have been isolating myself while being around people who love and care about me. I need to remember the importance of the 3 hour death of Jesus and see his suffering, ends mine. I sit in this tiny closest were my mom keeps her computer (which is cute as a ceramic care bear made by Michelangelo), the room is tiny but spacious not constricting or confiding and I read a poem my mom has posted on the wall. It was written by an unidentified Civil War soldier (doesn't say Confederate or Yankee) it reads:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve...
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things...
I was giving infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy...
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men...
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life...
II got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am among all men, richly blessed.

I love the part of the poem were he states he received nothing he asked for but everything he hoped for. I am in a place in my life were I'm confused about my future and am constantly worrying about personal salvation or financial security, what people think about me, intimidated by the spiritual gifts of others, not knowing certain things about the Bible, not understanding my calling or how to listen to God. At the end of the day I need to be at peace with the Lord and leaning (truth!) on him instead of building my own blueprint and applying the footwork, manpower and hardheadedness to work through issues in my life, instead take a break and let God take back what is his.

I've been looking for different jobs in the health and helping field, i have considered many different options for graduate school which has made my head spin. I feel like a little kid with all the options I have right now. I want to be a social worker, counselor, journalist, teacher, go on global missions, become a nurse, fly planes, become a doctor, feed the poor, go for public health, become a sociologist, write a book, become a bum, work with developmental disabled, own a home, have kids, become a deacon, become the pastor, love my neighbor (within certain guidelines and comfort factors), love God (see love my neighbors previously typed), hate on conservatives, not grow up, plant a garden, get khakis and a suit, roll my eyes, and think about volunteering without action.

Most of all stay sick and in a dream like state, going through the motions and praying with "holistic" false motives. I want a Gospel to accommodate my sleep schedule and also that creates an acquired pension plan and can come with bullet points. I want Humility which " is not thinking less of yourself, but rather thinking about yourself less.” - C.S. Lewis.

I have a lot of good things happening in my life right now. I have some not completely driving a special lady crazy, I have a wealth of highly intellectual faith-based and dependent friends, a loving family who loves my unconditionally, and most importantly a loving God who sees me as his and loves me no matter what I do or what I do not do. I am loved through my skepticism, my disbelief, my own experience as a doubting Thomas.

I am loved and kept in his grasps. I have a hope and a future and regardless of what happens or doesn't happen I am loved and taking care of. I want to let go of my resentments and gain a deeper understanding of God and working with all of his people. I want to rid myself of a closed thinking error of "my religion is better than yours" attitude. God loves all of us, regardless if we are Jesuit or Muslim, Buddhist or Hindu. I have some how gained some Christian view of my religion being empirical and hovers over the ground of other religions. I become hypocritical and elitist and gain some covert spiritual entitlement when I think of being a Christian. It becomes judgmental when I think about a hierarchy of faith....huh?

I did substance abuse counselor with a real "crunchy" crowd in downtown St. Louis. Every Monday and Wednesday during the afternoons we would have large group education classes. Some where overwhelming and hard to hear as I would hear about the clients personal issues. It ran the gamut of addiction, shootings, domestic violence, loss or grief, relapse, overdose, hatred, racism, living in rough neighborhoods, talking about failed housing projects, poverty, the difficulties of finding employment while having a criminal background, and many other issues. I and 4 other counselors who are absolutely brilliant led groups of various forms. I led and also observed many groups. I remember one group were my program director led and he had an hour to educate, counsel, and inspire the clients to better their lives. He read a poem which continues to stick with my today. It's called the Dash Poem by Linda Ellis:

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on his tombstone
From the beginning to the end

He noted that first came the date of his birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered the most of all
Was the dash between those years

For the dash represents all the time
That he spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved him
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a while.

So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

This poem inspired me to reflect on what my life was like, what happened and what i am like now." An inspirational sermon topic is if a person wants to die as a title or a testimony. I want to be remember as a good son (not Macaulay Culkin) of God and have a loving testimony. I want to be a hopeful-skeptic and a loving son, not an orphan. I am sick of the sickness of self-hatred and the deception I put on myself and wallow in my own self-pity, instead I want to be reminded from Corinthians "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.(1 Corinthians 10:13)."

Love

God has us!

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Proverbs 9:10.



The knowledge of the holy one. Right now my constant rate or fraction with the Lord is always a lack of trust or even balance. I have been saying the same prayer since I became clean and sober from drugs. I learned to lean on a simple prayer,"God, Grant me the Serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things i can, and the Wisdom to know the difference." The balance part is there, I am able to prioritize and handle situations completely different then resorting to a whiskey coke as liquid courage to approach conversations without fail. I'm not trying to manipulate the world to do my bidding anymore (well at least less than I was at, i'm working on progress). But seeking God at times of trouble and being surprised when God answers prayers as if it was a christmas miracle and not trully believing that God has unlimited power and resources at his disposal. Lord help me with my unbelief. "Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24).

The Serenity prayer holds a lot of power especially in the realm of recovery. It runs deep into the souls of many people trying to turn away from a life of guilt, shame, pain and loss. Help me with my unbelief, we ask God to provide something for us and when we get it we turn our back from the provider. It's like a heroin addict going to get methadone without acknowledging the harm reduction tactic as a helpful tool to mend the dope sickness. It's like being ungrateful with the amount of food on our trays, or complaining about a lack of sleep when we ignore the grim reality that someone didn't sleep at all last night.

Help me with my unbelief...especially when i'm in desperate measures and completely and utterly alone. I sometimes believe only "Help me when it's convienent to me and my needs." We are at a point where we say to God "Help me get to the top of Maslows Pyramid but than God, please step out of my way." We ignore our provider, as teenagers, as children do. We all need to work on the view of unbelief. God provides our necesities every single second. The very breath you are breathing right now has been provided and planned out. Our blueprint and very deep moral fiber, beliefs, attitudes all planned out. God has us...God always had us.

We get surprised also when we know we can't do something on our own and only God can provide us with answers or strength to continue to do some of the things we do. He gives us life. That should be enough, God has already giving us a kingdom all the riches here on earth are nothing compared to what we get when the episode on this planet ends for us. God has us! ever since the Old Testament he says "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest." (Exodus 33:14). The Lord rescues me from every attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory for ever and ever (2 Timothy 4:18). God has us! It's not about your way, it's about Yahweh!


The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. (Romans 16:20).

Love God and People!

My Guys

It feels like an eternity since the last time, I took the time to sit and write down the thoughts that ruminate in my think tank. I began doing my grueling, intensive and emotionally draining internship for school down in St. Louis. I have learned how to cling to God in a whole new way. My thinking affects my behavior, my attitude affect the outcome. I teach the process of recovery to a crowd on scapegoats, false hero's, perfectionist, loner, the lost, the sick, the outcasts, the forgotten. I teach recovery to a crowd who are used to criminal thinking behaviors and huge population of brokenness. The work is so hard, its so painful, its so exhausting, it takes every ounce of strength and willpower for my to keep loving the guys i serve, the guys I go to battle for.

My guys remind me that It is not about "me" and "my" internship. It's about them and their recovery. In this I'm not writing any details about specific clients just the general nature of what I have observed in my first month at the treatment site. It's a theme that breaks my heart and only the power of God can restore the brokenness in these guys lives. This world is broken all over but where my guys live it truly is a war zone, its a battle for survival. I'm learning a lot from the inner city and the struggles that my guys have to deal with. But I believe in transformation, I believe in Change instead of Compliance. This entry is not about a certain individual, but composite experience of the general population I work with. I believe in acceptance and I've seen some amazing things among emotional devastation and shattered dreams. The risk is worth it, and teaching this to my guys is tough, because hurt people, hurt people. If my guys want it bad enough they will be able to accomplish anything. When they fall on their faces they are at God's feet. Jesus said to them "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26 NLT.

MY GUYS
My guys have a mean mentality, a persona, a street knowledge that has become a existence embedded in them since birth.
My guys live surrounded by gun shots and garnished wages, back taxes, and child support.
My guys "nod" off because they have consumed China White.
The Water my guys have used does not quench their thirst but causes hallucinations and rage.
My guys worry about colors in their neighborhoods.
My guys hang teddy bears in remembrance of loved ones, friends, hit by bullets from a vehicle slowly driving by without head lights.
My guys now that booming noises in the distance is not fourth of July fireworks.
My guys have been shot at, shot at someone else.
My guys have been hospitalized for gun shot wounds.
My guys have seen their seeds get sniped, pruned and burned.
My guys live with broken windows.
My guys have food stamps.
My guys guys have a criminal mindset and shattered dreams.
My guys sip syrup to escape themselves, not eat it with pancakes.
My guys get arrested for skin tone.
My guys aren't safe behind locked doors in their own homes.
My guys have trouble staring them directly in the face when they leave the porch.
My guys don't see hope.
My guys lose concepts of empathy and replace it with being empty.
My guys are crying on the inside, begging for love, but refuse to show it.
My guys live life with a label. Criminal. Scapegoat. Dope Fiends. Junkies.
My guys smoke Kusch.
My guys sell rocks.
My guys cook fertilizer, ether and battery acid, they glass it and pick it to both stay up and see things.
My guys have withdrawals.
My guys have broken promises and have snowballed their lives to the point where when they look at themselves they see a liar.
My guys have put a pistol to themselves.
My guys know that ice cream trucks at midnight means an eight ball not delicious treats.
My guys buildings are broken and urban blight is the norm.
My guys have no known homeostasis.
My guys fight for street corners.
My guys get initiated to spend their lives in the criminal justice system.
My guys freeze to death.
My guys have Civil Wars of their own north and south.
My guys beg for money at the corners.
My guys sleep on park bench's, wear the same clothes for months.
My guys fight DT's.
My guys starve themselves to consume what the crave, what controls them.
My guys are caught in a rat race, brutally and fundamentally hopeless.
My guys graduate on Friday and get locked up Saturday.
Mu guys have no schooling.
My guys have no jobs.
My guys sell "spit back."
My guys "church" is a 12 pack and some rubbers.
My guys have slept on park bench's, pimped their daughters for psychological lynches and been sent up river for a long sentence.
My guys have false.......pride.


My guys have.....false power.

What my guys need is simple. My guys need GRACE. my guys need love. my guys need to know they are needed. My guys have a hope and a future. The road traveled can be both tricky and trivial. This is a very tough population to work with. Especially when they compare themselves with the teacher. I may not have grown up on the streets or done the "dangerous" drugs but I understand pain and want to help people through it. The people we need to reach out are my guys. God loves them so much and somewhere along the way they were lost. They had their toys taken away, their dreams stepped on, smashed and a dark illusion of lies, drugs and criminal thinking became a prolonged overcast. The sun they see, the hope is looked as being a "square." But as a square you can see the direction you came from and the direction your are going at any point of the object. God lifts us through some of the most challenging moments. He cheers for us in are triumphs and reaches his hand out to us when we are in are trials. He does not give us a hand out but a hand up. We need to stop looking at people as what they did, but see the good in them. The child in them. We all have are inner most child they through experiences and hurts gets lost. Responsibility and adulthood takes its place at the top of the totem pole and we lose the child in us. The sense of wonder is lost and a feeling of doom comes.

I wasn't writing this to glorify the population I work with but to try to see the world through their eyes. I believe the God I say I believe in. I see the change in them. In my month I haven't heard a lot of positive things but they positive things I have heard have been incredible, deep and profound. If you have decided to read this far, please pray for the addicts and alcoholics who are out their fight against the drug, being lied to by the devil and ultimately destroying themselves. Please pray for restoration, a revival in their lives, a change so they can help others change. I'm incredibly selfish (I'll admit it), my Ego centrism is at times bigger than the African Continent. But we have to, have to pray outside of ourselves. Two basic, yet prolific things I have heard in my life is "There is a God, and we are not it." and "It's not about us." Pray for the broken, sick, poor, marginalized, the lost. God has them and we need to have them also.
Grace and peace.

Stranded arounded the island feeling ugly and refreshed.

For those that know me are aware I stopped drinking and using drugs 4 years ago. I never really used drugs on there own because I didn't like the effect. I had to have alcohol to soften me up to the drugs. For me to do a line of coke I would have to be drunk to make it so my alcohol tolerance felt like it was increasing. I liked the joy of mixing the two together to escape the hurting soul that resided in my soul. I was souless, apathetic and angry. I never wanted others to see the "true" me because I didn't want them to run away. If people knew the "true" me they would hate, they would judge, they would never wish to talk to me. The disease of alcoholism consumed me. I became poor.

When I had money I threw it away on shots, something that disappered but made me feel temporarily accepted among people who I do truly care about but can't really relate with anymore. I can't hang with them because I speak a different languge. I have cleaned up and moved on from the "cowboy" wake up. That's wear you dust of your clothes from the night before and say "giddy up" still wearing the nasty clothes from the night before. Teeth green and red and purple and blue. Breath smelling like a dead deer. The idea of looking at a mirror at the hideous beard and dark eyes, the fear of what i saw. I hated the person who stared back, echoed with a conscious drowning in whiskey cokes and bloody marys to cure hangovers. Trading pizzas for booze, surviving off of tylenol and the water seemed to stir the stomach making it feel like a monster truck rally at the Metrodome. Neil Diamond's "Soolaimoo" spinning webs in the dome from the karoke event the night before. At times to drunk to walk home, to scared to leave. Avoiding responsibility at a parlor making tomato disks and swindling deals with the drivers. Ignoring the cries around, the comments around thanksgiving about smelling like alcohol or having an aunt ask "is he still drunk...or is he hungover?" Not only is she an aunt but a god-mother. A nurse and a loving caretaker. I've written about this before. I remember the abuse both physical and emotional directed toward a mother, desperate to climb out of her out self-pity and quenching alcohol. I turned to punk music screaming "I want the airwaves and trying to find any glimpse of a role model to have. Glorifying the artists who did the most drugs and drunk the most booze and had sex with the as many girls as possible.

When i drank i became powerful, absolute and humorous to the point I became cocky and prideful and it caries over. I love to make people laugh and i was going to have people laugh by any means necessary. I was never secure with me as me. I always wanted to be something different, i felt that i deserved some recognition. Some feeling of security without putting forth any effort. I abused my mom, the woman who i am most connected with until the day i die. Sure someday i may get married but she nutured me. As an alcoholic i was able to have some make shift relationships that should have not lasted as long as they did. I stayed for comfort and for fear of change. Feeling like a revolutionary smoking drugs while listening to radical music. Taking my anger out on people, my family. Hurting my mom and beloved sister.

This is called generational sin, its something that has been around my family for years. I don't want to have my nieces (Isabella and Adelina) see me ever drunk. Someday if the Lord blesses me with a family and children by the grace of God, i would love to be a sober father and a mentor to my kids. I'm not saying my father wasn't and isn;t a mentor but my childhood had me modeling behaviors of parents who liked to party, they love to party now but alcohol is not the primary care provider :) Everyone can benefit from the serenity prayer. (God grant me the serenity to accpet the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference.) I can't say that my relationship with alcohol and drugs have been all bad though, i;m able to recognize the times of celebration and the people who i met, my circle of friends were not bad people or harmful or toxic, ive been blessed my entire life to have the greatest friends ever.

Ever since i moved to Minnesota, i've had some of the greatest friends and i countinue to have amazing friends where i'm at here in Missouri. I have the same temptations as i did in Minnesota, except for the liqour is sold in the grocery store not next to it . I walk passed the colored bottles, some old friends come to mind when i see a bottle of windsor (RIP Pinkse), other bottles bring memories (jagermeister with my spraypaint crew), and the deadliest person friend whiskey and coke always talks to me when i see his devilish grin. The booze says "this time will be different, or with us she will like you and change her heart...liquid courage massaglia." The alcohol is absolutely against me and i have no control of the outcome of my 1st drink. The problem now is the feelings that linger, I get a job (i want a drink), i get a internship at a treatment center (i want a drink), i see a pretty girl (i want a drink), she says no (i want a drink), a friend gets diagnosed with cancer (i want a drink), a family member dies (i want a drink), im at church worshipping God (i want a drink), i'm written this letter (i want a drink). Here's where i go though, i don't stay in those last "i want" attitudes because after putting the cork in the bottle and getting a cleaned up look and attitude, plus being washed in the blood of Jesus and "doing the next right thing" I can live a productive, loving life. I truly love being around people now and sharing life and living life with them. I'm motivated to be a better person and am learning more about living free and clean, moving daily, and staying in the traffic lanes without having to pick up or bend anymore elbows. Everyone has a testimony because everyone's been tested. I wrote this for my Isabella, Amber, Molly, Megan, Sharie, Sam, and Carol. love my fam, thanks for the chat!

Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and i will give you rest, take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30).

Keep coming back.....

God will fight the battles

City lights is gone, over and finished. The only remaining remembrance of the experience is folded into the file cabinet. Thinking meets believing, my faith meets my failures and at times reluctantly and void of resentment my failures meet my faith. Song birds of a chromatic palette cascade chimes and notes of what seems like archaic hymns. The music a variety of guitars and gospels, venturing with Steve Perry's journey through a few friends playing Disney characters. There was music among us, there were always sparrows singing for a man who sacrificed his life so we could make some sense of the impenetrable work he did. There was laughter with light and sadness with salt. A variety of meals from around the globe, feet were shod and ready for battle. They arrived as strangers and left as family. Some worked with children and became overwhelmed, learning a new way to rely on a father. Some became menders for broken souls, all became intentional (just a bit more) for the love of the father. They were taught by biblical scholars who sacrificed top dollars to love us as children and to honor the father. We harvesters plant crops and let the seeds develop. We met with new influence and inspired one another. We cried together, we broke bread together, we grew angry with one another.

Citylights never leaves you, it is with you forever. Any experience God gives us cannot be taking away. When I graduated college my grandfather told me "they can never take this away from you." I have no idea "who" they are but graduation, sobriety, citylights, accepting the truly free gift of Christ, my love for people even when it hurts and is hard cannot be taken away from me. When I die, I die as someone who has both successes and failures. Wanting to be a testimony in others lives and not a title. I remember for my character, not my currency. I want to learn more about Yahweh and not Your way.

I am here now after the music stops and the city lights experience is shown on social networks to remind us of our union. I listen to Janelle Monae and wonder if I can get in her head, her genius has captured me. I'm taking another day off, sitting on address to my old summer class I helped teach. A painful mix of broke financially and spiritually finding it harder to rely on him. Wondering if the last minute is coming so God can scoop me up. It feels like the bottom, i feel stripped and surely exposed. I am vulnerable, avoidable and easily anxious. I feel like a lost face in the crowd, attempting to hide from God again thinking I have angst and the elusiveness of a seal. Stuck in my muck with anticipation of defeat but knowing the marvelous light can penetrate the darkness distilling in my soul. It's an interesting portion of time right now. I am feeling so lazy, so empty, so lost...

During skit team practice we were blindfolded and had to fully rely on the circle that was surrounding us for safety. It feels awkward, daunting and small but slowly it becomes comfortable, easy and no longer difficult. God fights for us, especially when we fight ourselves. The hardest thing in my opinion is not the detox of someone who is addicted to the drug but the feelings that effect the person afterwards. Whether in the valley or climbing the mountain. The urge to use is there, the drink taste sweet and taste buds mimic past drinks. The brain tells the heart to drink, to celebrate or to mourn. The drink is a buffer for feelings. God will fight the battle, but you can avoid speed bumps by consuming the metallic feel of a gin and tonic. That is where the reliance has to play a prevalent role in our outcome. The feeling God has your back and your front has be be both a constant fraction and a constant rate. The ideal that "God will fight your battles"...ok, when, has got to be submerged and destroyed. I need to believe and trust in God more and more daily. I do miss a lot, A LOT of people but God is here. He works in every single one of us from the crunch to the smooth, from the wide to the narrow, from the rich to the poor. God will fight our battles!

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and
admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,
singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord."
Colossians 3:16

KEEP SWIMMING! KEEP SWIMMING!!

peace, love and soup!

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.
Albert Camus

AMEN!

valleys and mountains

It has been an incredibly long time since I have wanted to write anything down. I have recently finished up with school with a Bachelor's of Science degree with an emphasis on chemical dependency counseling. I haven't been to inspired lately. I feel lazy, apathetic and unresponsive to my surroundings. The environment doesn't provide the same zealous thrill that it once possessed. I am trying to hard and forgetting a major ingredient.

To simply love God and love people with the same spontaneity as a child. I am a child of God but now feel like an adult. I want child-like faith. I am also about the performance and ignore the brevity of children of the first days I became a christian. I have been softened by the books about social justice and human advocacy. I am learning about the hunger pangs of the world while I eat a foot long sub and waste water washing dishes. I forget about the key essentials in this life and that is living it. Since I finished school I have been a lazy television zombie. I try to convince myself to read or clean but lack the motivation. It always come back to that "m" word. The varying inspiring that gets a couch potato motivated, I get small glimpses of "do it for Jesus" or "if you study the Bible more..she'll like you more." It even goes beyond spiritual.

Paul writes in the Corinthians about how are bodies are compared to temples and that we were bought at a price (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) and yet I am treating my as an amusement park or a demolition derby. I hate my physical appearance and justify my laziness and self-image by the outside of who I am. I want change but lack the motivation to change. I use the same excuse when it comes to being a follower (not just a believer) of Jesus Christ. It's not about me though and my personal conquest to find just that....purpose. It goes beyond this selfish self-hatred and I no longer have to isolate myself from the sins of my life. I suffer from all the seven deadly sins.

They blend nicely like a sinful spice rack in a chefs kitchen. I am in a valley and I have the ability to hide my true feelings behind a Freudian defense mechanism that makes it easier for me to cope with myself. I am among the many who fear closeness because of the underlining equation that "if you really knew me you would not be friends with me." To me it happens with a lot of people. It is beneath the surface and exists within us from womb to tomb....sin. A deadly and filthy three letter word that is cunning and deceptive. It exists in all of us and we need to repent and turn the page on issues that destroy us. I'm not going to point the finger at others for their sins and cast the first stone here. I can't imagine God has way of minimizing or prioritizing sins. He hates all acts of sins and we reek of it. I don't know much about sin but I no that I am no longer living a lie that I tell myself repeatedly. That I'm the most important person in my life. I'm not and i need to be defined and reminded to serve others and I will feel better. For the longest time I thought about my pain from my past and spent the last few months as graduation came and went that through Christ I can achieve great things and need to remain teachable. My grandfather told me that he is in his seventies and he hasn't even come close to "accomplishing the answers" but he has faith. I'm tired, its late and I have to pray.
I love you reader!
Grace and peace
Daniel C. Massaglia

Final Large Group

Today was a day of reflection, a year ago I became a christian and started attending a group called Intervarsity. The group met on Thursday and shared experiences with the gospel and also sang their hearts out for the Lord. I found peace within the group. I was even asked to live with the staff workers and experience living in community with them. I have seen so much growth in myself and am now witnessing an amazing gift of seeing new creations blossom before my eyes. It's been an incredible year with a lot of laughs and tears. I almost feel like this is a year book entry. I have a real tough time with transitions and am scared to death of if I will choose my like over Jesus.

I love writing about God and my struggling, rocky, relationship with him but question my motives at times. What are my motives sometimes. When I see people, do I see Jesus or someone that could potentially bother me? Honestly I'm not to confident in my reactions. I want to be more welcoming and with the love I have seen through the people who attend large group I have seen passion to move me into tears and at the same time find the child inside who hid in fear. I learned who I was through the continuing beauty of the relationships acquired. I arrived at large group tonight praying for it not to end, begging God to keep this day going, keeping these amazing people close. I become exposed in this group, it has become a safe haven, a beacon of hope when I am in traitorous waters. I began to understand the love story that God has for his people. Because of God, my sister was able to calm her own hatred for God. Because of God's love I was able to connect to people who I was once afraid to have responding with. Because of him, I love others without expecting anything in return (that in itself is a battle, which I can't win. Unless i trust in him).

I am very unclear about my future and am struggling with my decision making for my future. I have never graduated from college before and am really unsure about what the future has next for me. I would like to do my internship in a different state, however my niece, my mother and my sister needs me to be apart of their lives. I want to protect them and take care of them, see them grow and share love. I also want to discover my own freedoms and fall on the ground and rely fully on God to provide the words, take control of my actions and direct my life.

During this last large group, I began to reflect on the love that was shared and the sacrifice people made. For any reader who needs prayer or needs to talk please approach me. I love coffee and also want to learn more from other people. I may talk a lot but I need practice listening. It is something I struggle dearly with and want to change. I'm exhausted trying to figure things out on my own. I have been in complete control looking for this internship and have grown angry and frustrated that it hasn't materialized yet. It was encouraging to see all the new faces and the great gifts and salt that God has brought to the world.

Thanks Minnesota State University Mankato's Intervarsity, Thanks Break Away 09, thanks Citylights, thanks to my high school christian friends who showed love when I rejected it, thanks to God is loving and uses others to guide, grow and encourage. I love you all but he loves you SO much more. Be blessed! Keys to the kingdom!!

Love your Brother in Christ
Daniel

"I'll Pray for You"

It was a great class but halfway through I got lost, as always. I always get lost at some point in class. It doesn't matter which class I get lost in. It happens. Today I was thinking about relationships. I'm learning more about the criterion of alcohol and drug dependence described in the DSM IV-TR. The book describes two important criteria for diagnosing someone also dependent. The first is tolerance (needing more to get a desired effect) and withdrawal (yearning or feeling pain without the drug). These two are the ones that are looked at as important to becoming a counselor for diagnosing someone as an alcoholic. It really helps the insurance companies by putting a name to it. A label, a stamp, or a distinction.

I was thinking about the works themselves, tolerance is another way of saying enduring or having endurance. Withdrawal reminds me of walking through a desert longing or thirsting for water. Withdrawal is desperation. Withdrawal is being stuck in the ocean surrounded by sharks. Withdrawal is the tugging at the heart at the ambitious treats of pure evil. The need to "feel" on a different wave length as others. I am an alcoholic, diagnosed in July 2006. I am a drug addict diagnosed at the same time. I recognize the disease model and understand the beginning of the stepping lifestyle to happiness. If you do not know about this lifestyle as for it to be explained by Bill W's friends. Stay persistent, many exist! I am labeled and recorded as an alcohol dependent and embrace that as who I am.
I also consider myself a recovering christian, more than a new creation. I became a follower/believer in Christ at a conference in Brainerd alongside younger christian people. With the symptoms diagnosed by counselors on the subtance abusers should we have both symptoms as Christians? Dependence with pray and avoidant of withdrawal. What about building a tolerance or endurance towards prayer? I struggle with prayer especially when I say "I'll pray for yeah." Truthfully...nope. That hurts. It actually sounds more like a mafia solider saying "forget about it." while eating a cannoli. I'll pray for you is tough to deal with. It's a simple request and amazingly important as a spiritual connection which I once took as important part of my faith, but lately neglected.

Praying, lately is the last thing I want to do because I'm comfortable, selfish, and afraid of the motives. I refuse to pray because of the conscious thoughts that I am not praying right. I was in a bible study today and a dear friend commented on how prayer is important but the second something bad happens in his life, he thinks about being angry at God. I refuse to go to God with things and it hurts in the long run and....yep the short run as well. Unfortunately "i'll pray about it"is a christianese (term stolen from the book peppermint filled pinatas) way of saying "no" to a situation. I'm not saying that i won't pray but when I say "i'll pray about it" its unfortunetly a guarantee propositions of prayer actually materalizing.

Another close friend of mine and I had a conversation about the this topic and he has committed to "praying about it" on the spot instead of doing what I did. "Sure i'll pray for you but not now i'm to busy living my life." AWWWWWWW!!! I am so arrogant, but not alone in the fact that I don't actually take time away from me "busy" day to say a few words of prayer.

I'm so filled with self-will run riot. At times I refuse to actually let God take control of my life (lately most times). I do not let God guide me. In situations where I am forced to let God take control of the outcome it's scarey, uncomfortable, and sometimes difficult. "I'll pray for you" if it benefits me. "I'll pray for you" only if I remember and it's important and attractive to me. "I'll pray for you but first I have some sinning to do." "I'll pray for you" if you pray for me. I'll actually completely forget to pray for you and get upset because things are not going my way. The agency said no, she doesn't like me, my grades are not good enough, no one loves me, my way is not working, my love is shattered, my heart is.......

I know withdrawal, i know dependence from a negative perspective. I'm running into a transparent wall over and over again. I pray for you now, I wanna scream so loud for you, I hurt for you now. I want less of me and more Christ. Withdrawal is really a daunting feeling, a longing for Christ to guide our hearts. Whats the point sometimes? In America we have most of our needs met and our safe. We have diagnosis, treat, and cure. Faith becomes meaningless when we try to scienctifically find all the answers, lets depend on God. Do we need God? I think I do, and that my first problem is I think God and don't let the Holy Spirit take over and feel the purity and love flow through me. I learned a lot more about caring for other people through becoming a follower. I want to build a relationship with God and his people (ALL his people).

My ego and feeling on insecurity gets in the way. I spend a lot of time reading and listening to sermons, trying to engage with his people, and briefly pray silently but sometimes feel as real as the Easter bunny hiding eggs. I have withdrawals from God, but God is not a drug, I not need him as a "fix." God provides an amazing feeling to my life and I am trying to stay dependent on him and avoid withdrawals.

Love.

Break from the action

I haven't blogged much, I have been taking a much needed break from writing my thoughts on this lovely gift the internet provides called a blog. I usually write about my thoughts on Christ and the nature of Christian life mostly from a quasi-left wing approach. I overlook the righteouness and preach about the social justice topics and spend little time on the action myself. I spend a lot of time voicing change and loving your neighbor and struggle with practicing it myself. I get angry easily but I rarely react with anger, I get frustrated with myself at times, and distract myself from what I want to accomplish. I'm tired...the neighbors dog barks at odd hours of the night, I daydream about distant lands and solid loving relationships with others. Those who are close to me know I basically live for laughter, it makes my day when I see a smile and know I may have been apart of it. The best is when a person has a genunie "hard" laugh. one that possibly bring joy to the other persons day.

My anger usually is a self-critical type-cast orientation of pain. I then attempt to mold that pain into something humourous. I try to take a jovial approach to life, I laugh at myself all time (sometimes I'm the only one laughing). I do enjoy a good laugh. I don't know where the phrase comes from but "laughter, is pains medicine." I recently (today) gave a presentation on ways to raise a persons self-esteem. I wanted to sound like a person working for a pyramid sceme. The power of persuasion! I want people to truly be happy, I want to see people smile. The beautiful thing about facial expressions is the universality of them. Smiling is truly contagious. I'm learning more and more that life is simple, living it hard at times.

I'm a arrogant and egotistical person just like everybody else but the beauty of awareness and application can be transformational. Many of the people I hang out with are Christians who try to love God and love people and are believers in Jesus, the following part is the hardest part. We agree on that note. Theres a great part in the Bible, where Paul is addressing the Romans about spiritual gifts, find those gifts and use them (i'm a skeptic when it comes to speaking in tongues though).

I wanted this one to be shorter then my usual posts. love ya!
Try going beyond the CNNs or the FOX News. Check out a newspaper from a different country and find out what is really going on. I was thinking about when I was in St. Louis last summer. We were blessed with the chance to meet and eat with Iraqi refugees. In the United States, there is a pretty lopsidded ideal that people in the Middle East hate us, so we in turn hate them. We discussed with this family how it was wrong and we only see what the media potrays to us. They were not anti-american at all and wanted to voice there story.

Make friends with an international student. I have had the priviledge of meeting a group of friends from the Southern portion of Sudan and have talked with them about the Darfur genocide by the militant Janjaweed, but there is a disconnect between the south and the north. They avoid the North, but obviously care. I am grateful for their testimonies and expressions but i wanted to meet with someone from the North. I met with a friend who introduced me to a guy who needed needed help editting and piecing together an independent study assignment. He happened to be from the north and is writing a piece on Darfur. I am blessed to have met him because he can now share with me his testimony and thoughts on what is going on there.

Who needs a hug? I'm getting good at it.

Truthfully

Truthfully, my attitude is cunning right now. I am in a true transition from ideology and theology. A transition from this world and an actual "just world." I'm living vicarious through somebody else and refusing to recognize the social disorganization that gentle thrusts a middle finger expresses my ideals. I'm twisted and tattered as I try to wait for my eyes to adjust to this world I have comfortably been apart of. My life is a cave, a dark hour passes, one after another. It never let's me cease yearning for social situations where I express confidence. I surely have no trouble being the wonderful center of the universe when i am around people I have developed timely and precise faith in, but its the strangers, the people with the same pleasure and attention seeking behavior that I have conjured up. I try to impress overly to the point of wondering "what does that person really think of me." When I'm by myself I give it my all, I'm the greatest show on turf.

When in a crowd I experience social loafing and let others carry a majority of the burden. I experience a numbing of my mindfulness and become reluctant to help others. I'm easily amused and even more easily attracted to harm. I use people without even knowing it. I have trust issue, not from past relationship creating that behavior but just in general. It is hard for me to get close to people, I have a select group of friends that really know me and know what goes on in my head. My passion is making people laugh, I absolutely love it and it makes me feel good, making others feel good. Other people know it as well, i live for others smiles. There is something amazing about pure joy and love for others. I care way to much about myself and spent hours being jealous of others. I am at an where others are already married, some divorced, many with kids, full-time jobs, others take vacations to exotic lands, others can drink normal and express smiles with neon lights and cocktails held in there hands with a kung-fu grip. This story started out as some of my thoughts do, random and prismatic.

I have valley days and mountain days and tonight I am experiencing a bit of both, i struggle looking down to the ground and see if I am slipping down the slope or if I am leaving an imprint of traction as I ascend to the proverbial summit. I am about to move into new place, with new people, interesting challenges, and new environment. I'm very excited about it but I'm tired. I'm tired because of my expectations at times, I expect a woman to just fall head over heels for me without doing any work. Maybe she's out there and I stare at her blankly, flat and expressionless. I had a good discussion about forcing the issue. I'm a collective mush of sensitivity with a hint of nice, fear is the appetizer. The way to my heart is through my stomach, my close friends now that, i am a huge fan of trying new and exciting foods. I lack the trust as mentioned earlier to trust that God has a plan for me and everything is going to be okay, if I let God feed me and take care of me. That part of my life is something I am excited about as far as moving, I am moving into a very close and dear couple and their daughter. They happen to be very spiritual and are trying to further the kingdom. They have asked me to live in their attic and we both may have been begrudged about it. They were inspired by the story about helping and welcoming. We need this, we need community, to be the crutch for someone who is in need. I am truly grateful to have them in my life and I pray that we can develop a even more wholesome and loving relationship. As far as the crutch for one another did you know that the majority of people would not help if someone asking is different then us? A black man asking for help or in need of a cell phone to call for assistance is less likely to receive that help from somebody who is white. I'm not saying that people don't help one another and this is always the case, but it happens. We need each other to survive. Love does not discriminate, love has no segregation.

One of the saddest things it we can learn our prejudice in the one place we seek refugee from it, Our churches can subtle (or even overtly) training racism. Love is not color-blind by any means but rather the empowering construct of ethnicity. In America, the major religion is Christianity, which encompasses a vast majority of subgroups and denominations. In America, we welcome the stranger to an extent. We will let the refugee in but have absolutely nothing to do with them. We refuse to engage them, get upset when we hear a "exotic" language that is not English, and scoff and categorize "them." We refuse acceptance and love for others place them in a warehouse, never knowing or seeing their culture. Never seeing there smiles. We have pockets of reconciliation and say that we have eliminated racism, erased it and brushed off the eraser shaving from society. We celebrate diversity by taking culture and adding an American twist to it. We turn something like "Chinese" food and "Americanize" it, then say we our multicultural. We place ethnicity in pockets.

I live in a rural town south of Minneapolis, Minnesota and we have a growing Sudanese and Somali population in our town but the majority of our town is white. I have no relationship with the people in this town, the people over looked and it pains me to actually say it and be honest at times, I am just as guilty as others and I say I don't want to know. "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me". Jesus prayed this in John 17:23, are we seeing this unity right now?" I don't think so, we become so comfortable in feeling safe, in a Gospel that skimmed, the safe portions of the Bible taught in our Sunday best. It's sad to admit, I mentioned about another uncomfortable. It pains me to be so vain, vile and ignorant. "The true Gospel is a call to self-denial, not a call to self-fulfillment." John MacArthur.

I do feel the social loafing and the view that we live in a "just world at times, but i also know that we have so much pride and if we make mistakes we, struggle to own up to it and confess it. We don't seek the kingdom first, or even seek refugee in a God who wants to take care you us and wants us to go to him with challenges. He, who is without sin, cast the first stone (John 8:7). I began this script with self-loathing and confusion thoughts. I do love to make people laugh and enjoy seeing people smile. It's a universal expression, when some is happy they smile. Even if they hide it behind their hands. When we show an altruistic heart towards someone, anyone I believe it makes God smile. We deserve the flames though for the way we treat others. We are giving something we don't deserve. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and raised again. (2 Corintinians 5:14-15). I don't need to change myself before accepting the Lord, but I need to let God change me. We mean the world to Jesus, even though we hate ourselves. Grace through faith, from the inside out. It's no through are title but are testimonies. (Tony Campolo).

I am going through a transition but I don't feel lost in it. I am struggling with issues of loneliness and want to meet some to love me back and it is a tug of war between my time and God's, don't put to much money on me, even though I have so much pride i my head could float and lead a parade. I'm waiting to share my faith with someone else and welcoming the stranger. I wish instead of packing our neighbors from various fear induced countries into sardine apartments, then ignoring them on the street corner that we would treat them as a child who gleefully shows off his room. When kids show off what they have they are so proud of it, they have so much joy in having others see it. I do trust in God but struggle to lean on his understanding instead of mine. I'm impulsive and jump the gun on decisions instead of taking things to God. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:5-7). I don't do that, I act on impulse and get stuck in a prison of insecurities, struggle with belief and toss and turn on a sweaty pillow. I am anxious, i take small requests to God, but hold on to the larger ones.

I am guilty of a lot of social issues; I am guilty of all sorts of sins. Nelson Mandela suffered a lot of pain and hardship before he was the President in South Africa from 1994-1999. In his inaugural speech he stated "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness which frighten us most. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make the manifest glory to God that is within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Trust in God...C.S. Lewis once said "Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not." I fear the unknown, wrestle with social issues, and feel jealous of people around me, I'm a competitive christian who needs to be reminding that we are all equal. I seek attention and approval from other people. I refuse to let God's infinite power and wisdom guide me. I become the wayfarer guide navigating a ship into hazardous waters. Alone and empty. I turn God into something diminutive, and i become a slave to the world. God can mobilize the manumit of our slavery. If we simply allow him too. But I shrink God to the size of a Pez dispenser. Prayers are received only when I lift the head up and eat the delights. Pray for reconciliation, justice, righteousness and hope. give up everything to follow, put down selfish acts and join the Great Commission, be ready to screw up over and over and over again and have God love show the way, he shows love regardless how messed up we are. "Why is it everything that is Bad for you make you feel so good?" Artist: Flame Song: Bad Ain't Good.

The Prettiest Doll, She’s Ever Seen.

“Isabella was breathtaking and worth all of the bad in the world” my sister Amber


October 4, 2009. It was 5 months ago when she was brought into the world. She weighed about 6 pounds 9 ounces of pure bliss. She was twenty inches long. My sister was pouting because Isabella was taking away for awhile. Isabella was premature 5 weeks early and Amber (my sister) didn’t get to hold her for very long because they had to run various tests to make sure she was okay. She waited for two hours. When she did get to hold her she thought “she is the prettiest doll, she’s ever seen.” That was the same thing my mom said about her when Amber was born. Amber said “Isabella was breathtaking and worth all of the bad in the world” She had the prettiest red red lips and still does. She looked like she had lipstick on. I had thought she had the face of a forty year cab driver it turns out I was wrong. She was so tiny and embodied perfection. Once Amber got to hold her she stared at Isabella for about an entire week. The doctors kept taking Isabella away to run various tests. Isabella was jaundice and couldn’t maintain her own body temperature, she lost too much weight. They kept her under the warmer the first night and Isabella got to wear cool looking sun glasses. She was so light and so loveable. I truly believe in love at first sight now. “Nothing else in the world matters only your baby” Amber says. She received so much love and attention, gifts galore. I was told that Isabella i going to have an amazing sense of humor because of the people she will be surrounded by. Before this time Amber, our mother and I were going through a lot of pain in our life. I will not express what was going on in their lives but they had struggles and the same lack of self-worth that I had, my mother said that she loves to raise children and wished that she could have a baby in her life. After that came the greatest earthly gift in my life, Isabella Marie Anton. Here’s my story of what I was feeling leading up to Isabella’s birth and how I feel now. LUX MUNDI (Light of my world)


She redirected a feeling that I had during the time of my life. My faith was in question; my life was so hard to live in at the time. I had felt attacked by a spiritual bankruptcy and felt like I was driving directly into a black hole. I started to struggle and even told my sister that I wanted to kill myself. She was empathic, scared and told me that I should get help. I refused to listen to her and started to feel worse. I came to her at the middle of the night one time and expressed the feelings of self loathing and anger towards the world. Christianity was nothing a worthless life to live. I compared my pain to the Lord who loves the sinners who defiled and desecrated his name. I don’t match up at all but I get worth through him now. At the time I was suicidal, empty and going on life as a raging “dry drunk.” I was refusing to align my life with the spiritual necessity that I lived by. I needed help, just in the same way I needed help the day I gave up drugs and alcohol, just in the same way I needed to move out of a toxic situation, just like I needed help in rebuilding a relationship with my father. When you no longer have all the answers, you feel one foot tall, walking underneath everyone. I feared for my sobriety and was on a verge of drinking again. I was planning to drink, having a premeditated relapse. I began no longer caring about myself and others around me. I started neglecting prayer and meditation.
That’s the great joy in family; I once again scared the life out of my family with my anger. When I used to drink, I didn’t have my license till I turned 23 years old. I would stumble over to my sister’s house around bar close. I was dating a woman who loved me but I didn’t trust. I would begin to cry, I would lose myself in my sisters arms. I was so broken and lost, I constantly told her to drive me to the bridge so I could jump off. I was so empty, I was so empty. I never blamed anybody for how I felt but I was alone and I thought the cards that I was dealt was the losing hand and that God was the dealer. It was his fault my family was poor. It was his fault my life was in shattered pieces, it was his fault that I never felt love for people around me; it was God’s fault that I had no faith in anything. No one wants to be an Eeyore , you want to be a Tigger (Randy Pausch, Last Lecture).

I wanted to die and I was heading that way in a swift drunken fashion, especially after I got my license and began drinking and driving. I was not much of an addict though. I did enjoy using cocaine though; it made it so I could consume alcohol more and continue a night of “clowning around.” I lost myself when I drank, because I didn’t have to face myself. I thought is everybody wasted and is anybody free from bondage.


One evening I was feeling ashamed of myself after I failed to ask this girl out on a date. I was not attending meetings at all, my sponsor was not being used, and I was avoiding friends and isolating myself. I was being overwhelmed by so fear; I understood what it must be like to be in quicksand.


All these feelings lead up to treatment, which was the best decision at that time in my life. Just before Isabella was born was when I went to Amber’s house to express my pain. The very same pain that I felt when I was drinking, the very same feelings only at this time my breath doesn’t reek like liquor and my memory was a naked highway. I had the opportunity to feel all of this emotion, pain and acute. The two lines where connected. The two pains connected. Jesus didn’t die on the cross alone, he had two thieves on each side die next to him, and one man mocked him. Aren’t you the Messiah? Save yourself and us! (Luke 23:39). The other transformed his feelings towards Jesus said “Today you will be with me in paradise.” (Luke 23:43). I felt that when I became a Christian a year ago at a conference for Intervarsity campus fellowship. I felt moved by the Holy Spirit and began to cry tears of true forgiveness for the way I lived before my walk started with Christ. My life has been moved into a new direction and I want to share this life with others.


Even at times there is light in our darkest hour, if we hold on to the raft in the chaotic waters of our lives. The turmoil and vicious tyrant called negative emotions crashes upon us. We have to have hoped that life has some meaning, some purpose driving us to greener pastures. It goes beyond us. The gifts that are provided for us, we obviously our not meant to always have negative emotions otherwise we would all be miserable and the anti-depressant pharmaceutical companies would be rich (this is meant to be funny; everybody knows they have enough money to collectively buy half of the continent of Africa). I believe God gave us Isabella to save our lives. Our worries haven’t completely disappeared but Isabella is a remedy to the hurts around us. Lately, seeing her smile, talk to objects, grab at things, hearing her giggle and seeing her twinkle in her eyes brings me to weep pure joy. All our joys become complete and we feel a universal feeling of goodness when she is in our arms. My sister is an amazing mother; she is revived and fueled with love that I hadn’t seen since she was a younger child. My mother has a smile that glows and could illuminate an entire city block now when she is with Isabella and for me I remain humbled and have a life to protect and love as much as I can. I had a discussion awhile ago that could be a little morbid but it worried me after I almost got broadsided by a semi-truck on the highway. I could have died, instantly no questions asked. It worried me, what stories would Amber tell about me if I was to die.

This life is so fragile and special and we need to embrace the present so we can protect the future. When looking into the eyes of children you can see Jesus. My grandmothers favorite bible verse is “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. (Mark 10:14) I love my family and understand a little more about God loving us, wanting to protect us, see us walk and fall and get back up, only to fall again. I’m learning more about dependence on a God who loves us and wants a relationship with us. We are also to love each other as a body. For just as watch of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, each member belongs to all the others (Romans 12:4,5).


I believe more about God sending a son to the world he created to teach us righteousness, defeat death and give us eternal life through his body and blood, grace and mercy. For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes may have eternal life. (John 3:16) A gift that we humans have, besides our enormous brains, vast curiosity, intricate circulatory system, enigmatic charisma, and our ability to fall faster than a toddler on a slip and slide; is the gift of eternal life through Jesus.

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith. (Galatians 3:26) Isabella continues to grow and teach us, challenge us and smile and giggle at us much like we need to do in our acts of faith and worship. Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you (James 4:7). We are all no different in our faith than she is all growing and evolving as children. Thank you God for giving us Isabella Marie Anton, she is a blessing for all of us! Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (2 Peter 4:7) It makes me want to sing Away in a manger, no crib for his bed, the little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head, the stars in the sky looked down where he lay, the little Lord Jesus, asleep in the hay. Thank you!


“We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But if that drop was not in the ocean, I think the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.”-Mother Teresa

“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.” John Muir